Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Worry, Worry, Worry & Some Kitchen News

My niece Diana, gave me that plaque, told me that the minute she saw it she knew I had to have it. It hangs next to my desk and I worry about whether that was the best place to hang it (just kidding on that one, but not entirely). I was raised worrying. I call it The Basic Worry System. I give my worries random numbers.

Yesterday, Dr. Jim offered to let me give him my worries so that he could hold onto them for me. This of course led me to a new worry, that if I did that, he would be burdened by them... I'm a highly gifted worrier and can find something to worry about in even the most glorious scenario.

Things I've been worrying about lately.

Basic Worry # 887: The construction people will be mad at me because I asked them to do their job and because I'm me.

Basic Worry #920: My niece and nephew-in-law-ish will have a bad shower experience when they visit. (The new shower takes some getting used to.)

Basic Worry #472: My niece and nephew will not be comfortable with the sleeping arrangements.

Basic Worries # 312-316: My niece will be humiliated by my hideousness and my disability. She and John will be bored. He will hate me. I will not be able to feed them properly. (They are vegans.)

Basic Worry # 785: My neighbors resent all the construction.

Basic Worry #3: Money. Lots of worry about money.

Basic Worry # 562: I'm putting my niece's name into the title of the house so that if I die, she just owns it, no muss no fuss. I worry that somehow this will turn into a bad thing.

Basic Worry # 250: I worry that I'm ungrateful because I'm having difficulty adapting to the new shower.

Basic Worry # 991: I worry that Angel will tear down the kitchen wall and hurt herself and that the contractors will be --- you guessed it --- mad at me.

Basic Worry # 400 & 401: I worry that I won't have enough money to cover the cost of heat, even though I get HEAP. I worry that I seem to be having trouble standing staying at 60 degrees this year and am creeping up to 62 which will (in my mind) drastically increase my heating bills.

Basic Worry #: 336: I worry that my failure to be a good blogger has offended everyone.

Basic Worry #: 414: I worry that I will not get my act together in time for the Blog Blast for Peace.

Basic Worry #1: I worry that I'm a bad person.

Basic Worry # 222: I worry that I'm greedy.

Basic Worry #1005 & 1006: This spring and summer, I worried about the bees. They seem to have gone missing by and large. I worry that the ones that did show up (carpenter bees) are eating my house.

Basic Worry # 815: I worry that by the time I die my little house will be all worn out and badly cared for and won't be worth inheriting.

Basic Worry #5: I worry that Angel will get past me when I open the door and that she'll run away and get killed or get hurt.

Basic Worry #773: I worry that - this one made my therapist (me too) laugh out loud - that the new ramp will be a danger to the mail persons this winter... that it will be dangerously slippery and someone will die.

Basic Worry #401: I worry that if I have a gathering here while Diana visits, that nobody will have fun.

Basic Worry #144: I worry that people will get tired of my neediness.

Basic Worry # 707: I worry that the crazy people will take over the country again and that the "good guys" (from my perspective) will let them defeat health care reform and other efforts to rescue the poor and middle class from the reign of greed and self-interest which has put the country into its current hole.

Basic Worry #7: I worry that my disability will be taken away from me.

I worry that I may need a walker.

Basic Worry# 95: I worry that I'm a bad example for my sister's children. I worry that I'm a downer. I worry that I might some day be a burden to them. I worry that I might not.

In short (well this wasn't really short, was it?), I worry. I worry about everything. I worry about worrying... and if I'm not worrying, I worry about that. (What am I forgetting?)

So, anyway... Dr. Jim asked me to give them to him and he'd put them in a box somewhere. I told him that I was concerned that they'd be a burden for him even if he didn't think they would. He said, no, that they're my worries and the only concern he had would be that he might forget where he put them. (I love his sense of humor.)

So, I'm thinking about giving him my worries. Thing is, I worry - yep, worry - that I'm not capable of doing that with any real sense of integrity. I promised to think about it, though. I think worry is an addiction - for me, at least. It's a way of staying stuck, a way of distracting myself, maybe even entertaining myself.

The reason I'm reporting all this worry is that maybe it's a first step to giving some of it away.


On a happier topic (though not worry free), there is progress happening as I type this. The counter tops are being installed. Angel is hiding under the desk. Tara Grace is sitting here next to me wailing from time to time. It's very loud putting cabinets in. Maybe the loudest part of the whole process yet. The plumber and the others aren't coming today so I don't know when it will all be over. Since I still have to keep Angel locked out, I don't know if I'll be able to get pictures up today. I'll try. From what I've been able to see, it's going to be gorgeous. They're having some kind of problem. I guess when the linoleoum went in the cabinets stopped being level... something like that. I know the guy who installed them worked very hard to make them level.

Anyway, next time they come they will install the sink and the dishwasher, lower the shower seat yet again and move the back steps that they did because they are just hanging on the edge of the porch and look really hideous to me. I was all worried about complaining about that - lack of gratitude, inattentiveness on my part to stop them before they did it wrong - but my friends reminded me that the contractors aren't working for free just because I'm not paying the bill. They're getting paid. That helped some, though, I'm still kind of anxious about asking for modifications. You have to know that the back steps are horrendously awful for me to ask for them to be moved. They did have logic to why they did it that way - so they wouldn't be under the eaves and have roof-fall and ice. BUT... they look hideous... and there's only a rail on one side so they aren't that practical either.

So that's my news.

That and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my wonderful niece Cynthia! This is her and her beautiful family!





A couple of quickly snapped pictures of the counter tops. I didn't have a chair and they were eager to be on their way, so these were done very quickly and aren't very good, but the counter tops are exquisite!


Snowangel said...

It's gorgeous!

And don't think you're the only one with numbered worries sweetie. I grew up the eldest of four and treated like a case study all my life so I'm right there with you. I checked with a friend who is a carpenter, Angel won't do too much damage to the walls that can't be fixed with plaster. Keeping her locked up certainly helps though.

Keep writing it lets your soul breathe a bit and release some of the worries. :)


quilly said...

The counter tops are looking great!

I am a "don't worry, be happy" sort of person and "let the chips fall where they may". I don't get worrying about things that may never happen, but I am learning about it because my mate stresses big time. I think we balance each other out nicely. Now we're ready when disaster does strike, but the expectation of disaster doesn't keep us from starting.

Janie B said...

My mother was a worrier, and I am, too, to a certain extent. I'm trying to get over it. You should too. Let Dr. Jim have them. You'll feel lighter. Love the countertops!

Melli said...

I am not a worry person. I don't worry even when I probably should worry. I just TRUST that God has my backside and life will work out! And so far - it always has! But you HAVE made me worry... now I'm worried that you might run OUT of things to worry about... and THEN what would you do??? Sooooo... if you ever feel that happening, do get in touch! I'll TRY to drum up something for you!
(but honestly... I'm not very good at it...)

I DO love those new counter tops though! They are lookin' SPIFFY!!!

OH! By the way... Please do NOT worry that your little house might fall into disrepair and not be WORTH anything... we just got the apparaisal on MIL's itty bitty cracker box house on a postage stamp lot -- which IS in complete disrepair and should probably be CONDEMNED! It appraised for $219,000.00. So. Even if your house should burn to the ground... the LOT is still worth enough to make it worthwhile! Cuz I'm pretty sure that's the ONLY valuable thing on MIL's lot! The house is a debit!!!

Carletta said...

Raven, my dear friend, give those worries to Dr. Jim and let him put them in a box and if he forgets where he put them SO BE IT!
Worries - GONE! :)
Seriously, I think we all worry to some degree and maybe that's even healthy. I try to accept what I can't change and be done with it. I've been getting much better at that these last two years. I think I've done enough worrying to last two lifetimes so it's time to put them aside, change what I can, and let the rest go.
It is easier said than done but I take it one day at a time these days.
Your worry #414 Blogblast for Peace - me too. ;)
Counter tops are looking good!
Hopefully it won't be much longer.

Dianne said...

I was once given a box of 'worry dolls' - I wore them out.

Are you laughing ;)

the counters are beautiful

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Such a beautiful post and so honest. Very glad i checked in.

Easy to say "don't worry" - as easy as it is to tell me "cheer up" (i suffer very badly from what i call the Depression Cloud).

Maybe instead of just worrying about them you should list them and then categorise them into "things i can solve" and "things i can't". The ones you can't solve - forget them...if there's sod all you can do about them then just let it happen and deal with it as best you can.

You will be in our thoughts. xx

SouthLakesMom said...

I don't worry. I really don't. And I have teenagers so I should...but I'm with Melli -- I just give it to God. And really, if I worry, when he has said NOT TO (Matthew 6:25-34) then I'm thumbing my nose at the Creator of the Universe. How ungrateful is that!

BUT, I will admit I didn't grow up in your childhood, so perhaps you need to start at a more intimate level and TRUST Dr. Jim to take those worries -- even just a few at a time.

And Raven, we can let our worries become our new God...and you don't want to serve a god that is icky and negative, right?

The kitchen looks beautiful. We're so excited for you and your niece and nephew-i-l-ish will be charmed by your hospitality and love -- that's why they're visiting.

Diana said...

Have you ever considered that even in the unlikely event that all of those worries came true, it still wouldn't be all that bad?

Well, maybe the death of the mailman. That would be pretty bad. :)

Felisol said...

Dear Raven,
I have been doing some catching up and am worried over how long these craftsmen take doing some renovating.
One might have a whole new house built in shorter time.
I'd be exhausted and incredibly rude to the workers.
Good for you, you are wiser and of a gentler mind.

Two good thing said about worries.
1. You worry that you might loose your disability. I wonder and I wonder and I wonder..
2. Diana's comment; If all your worries do come true, it still will not be that bad.

Jesus said something about worries, "nobody can with all his worries add an inch to his life- length."

Now I worry, have I offended you?You are such a rare and good person, I'd hate to hurt you.

I pray that your workers will soon be finished to your satisfaction. I know that the visit will turn out fine. You've got such an abundance of love to give. Who can wish for more. People who live on special diets are very good at helping themselves, they don't expect laymen to be experts in etc vegetarian food, non gluten food, non sugar food.
"Let every day have enough with it's own trouble," Jesus,- once more.
From Felisol

Argent said...

You and I could probably represent our countries at the 2012 Worry Olympics.

One of your worries popped out at me though: I worry I may lose my disability. I actually understand this. I'm partially-sighted and have been all my life. This has informed pretty much every aspect of who I am and perceive myself to be. A few years ago we went to one of these healing meetings but I didn't get healed. Maybe because I was afraid of what I'd have to be if I were "normal".

The "hideousness" thing is something I can relate to also. I was once refused a job because "people might be offended" by what I looked like as I read the computer screen (I have my face VERY close to it usually). In all other ways, they said, I was great for the job. So, yeah, I worry that I'm hideous too.

Your honesty in this post was really uplifting.

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