Views from Raven's Nest: Daily Reminder # 626

It has turned back into winter here. Had to turn the heat back on this afternoon and I'm back to shivering in my shoes. Robins did visit the back yard and a couple of juncos, which was nice. Other than that, I have had better days. A while back after putting it off for about 4 or 5 months, I sent in an application to be exempted from paying all or some of the $99 I pay towards Medicare Part B. Well last week I got a form back from Social Services saying that I have to send them my Birth Certificate and may Social Security card. This has created inner and outer havoc. First off, I always get anxious when bureaucrats ask me for things they have no reason to need. After all, I am legally disabled and already on Medicare, which means that the government has already SEEN my birth certificate. The reason they want my Social Security card (which they tell you not to use for identification) is to find out how long I have been on SSD. Shouldn't that be in their records? So anyway, I had until today to get this unnecessary stuff to them and despite spending hours this weekend trying to find it, was not able to do so. They have graciously offered me an extension (whoopee!) for this waste of both my and their time, but I am left now with my shame and anxiety about how disorganized everything is and why CAN'T I find the damned birth certificate and what a bad, crappy person I am for not knowing where it is and for having all my paper work in assorted shopping bags with no organization whatsoever and what this will do to my niece when I die and she inherits the house and has to sort through it. Yes. This is the way my mind works. So, anyway, I am rally cranky and I have a headache and am really irritated that I have to search for the stupid birth certificate and then ashamed that I'm pissed off about it since I am lucky enough to have disability and now I'm asking for something more and then complaining about having to jump through hoops to get it. Agggh. And it's cold. How's that for a rant?

On a happier note, my little reiki client is doing fairly well and there was some surprising happy news from the government giving me some extra HEAP and - divine intervention, maybe - Dr. Jim called just after I got off the phone with Rhonda from Social Services and talked me down from the top of the cliff. Also in my searching this weekend I found the nice wool hat my niece Cindy crocheted for me a few years ago and it is very comfortably keeping me from freezing to death this evening. In any case, I'm trying to let go of my shame and my angst and remember gratitude and the old Thank You for Everything Mantra that has served me so well. Trying to remember to focus on the positive and all that stuff. My first paragraph gives a hint as to how successful I have been at that, but at least I'm making an effort. Looking for the beauty.