Daily Reminder # 591

I have not an idea in my head today.  I do have some congestion, a mild headache and a bad disposition. I got this in my email this morning and I thought they were pretty amusing, so I'm going to use them as today's post. They aren't attributed to anybody, so I'm assuming that I'm not violating any copyright.

Paraprosdokian: "A figure  of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous  situation."  For example: "Where there's a will, I  want to be in it!" 

       
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down  to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The  last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my  list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is  why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.    

5. We never really  grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8.  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and  then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal  ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is  research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have  a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I  fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case  of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I  didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they  can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,  and still     think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful  man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is  usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is  the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a  parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive  twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure  makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a  fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so  they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to  learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of  hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit  the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to  be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending  machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a  Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a  car.

I think I'm going to skip the gratitude list today and just do it in my achy head instead. 

WISHING YOU SMILES AND LAUGHTER!