Well, I have had the gloomies today. Then I had therapy and Dr. Jim got hold of a bone and wouldn't let go and he's very good at that when I slip up and give him something meaty to work with. So, a few weeks ago I committed a terrible atrocity. I saw a pair of Croc on sale for half price. They were not exactly the shoe of my dreams, but they were half price. $15 plus shipping. And they had them in the same size as what I am wearing now. The black ones that are getting kind of corroded since I wear them constantly except for when I'm sleeping. But still, I had the black ones. It was - to my inner mother, my inner critic and a host of other inner voices - a pretty serious crime. I wasn't barefoot after all. And I am poor. And trying to get out of debt. So I splurged. And then the damned things arrived in all their pristine smelly ugliness and one look told me that they would never ever, fit on my feet despite being the same size as my current Crocs and besides the fact that all the reviews said that they run wide. So there the stupid things are. Punishment for the crime of having spent money on myself. A normal person would return them. But not me. I've been looking for somebody to give them to.
As I mentioned this to Jim (not sure why), I could positively feel his spidy senses tingling. "This is about shame," he declared quite correctly. Much as I have risen risen out of the swamp of shame in which I was raised, and am now able to spend fair amounts of time breathing regular air, there are certain things like ugly pink shoes that I didn't actually need and don't like that drag me deep under.... padded, of course by my shame that shame prevents me from returning them. So, anyway, I have a bit to chew on right now. Damn, but I hate those shoes. And I hate being poor. And then I feel guilty for complaining about being poor because my poverty is genteel and I don't have to work for the money that goes into my bank account once a month. And the shame beats down deeper. And as so many Republican voices on Huffington Post point out, how can I think I'm poor? I have a computer, a TV, a refrigerator and a telephone. I'm not living in a cave. I have food to eat. All true. They echo one of the voices that lives in my head and argue with the others which have compassion for everyone else in my situation. It's very exhausting being me. Shame is one of the most toxic and exhausting things there is. I'm having a problem with one of my legs right now too. And I'm ashamed of that as well. Ashamed that I have the problem, ashamed that I am not vibrantly healthy and functional. Ashamed that I am so dysfunctional that I won't go to the doctor until they have to carry me out and then I can be ashamed that they I will be a heavy load. Some days it really sucks to be me.
Now that I have done whining, I would ask you if you would to send some prayers to my friend E who is getting ready for surgery and for a friend of hers who lost a son to suicide last week. Her obituary for her son is raw, and honest and deeply moving.
Some thing I'm grateful for today: (Items in red are pre-gratitude, an effort to train myself to believe in abundance and miracles and possibilities - and in my right and worthiness to desire and even HAVE things and maybe even happiness and self worth. It is also a prayer of sorts to the Universe to hear and respond.)
- Angel and Tara Grace
- my home
- my furnace
- 62 degrees
- my warm robes
- water
- Rice Crispies and Chocolate Soy Silk
- Coffee and Int'l Delight
- grapefruit
- my camera
- my computer
- the internet
- computer games
- Bigfishgames.com
- my TV
- the remote control
- the mute button
- PBS
- Comedy Central
- Jon Stewart
- Stephen Colbert
- comic genius
- the Sci-Fi channel
- Netflix
- Pandora Radio
- music
- the joy of listening
- the joy of singing
- the human voice
- my awesome Bose speakers
- free stuff
- electricity
- my Tibetan salt lamps
- my rock collection
- sight
- hearing
- taste
- touch
- smell
- lavender
- peppermint
- allspice
- cheese
- paper towels
- indoor plumbing
- SKYPE
- my nieces, my nephew and their families
- that they are happy, healthy and successful
- that they seem to love me as I love them
- my friends
- my neighbors
- my chair/walker
- my cane
- that my legs still wobble me around with help
- independence
- Sam-e
- Omega-3
- IP-6
- Vitamin D-3
- a clothes dryer
- new curtains
- blinds for the front windows
- a truckload of money (big bills)
- a paid off mortgage
- zero balance on my credit cards
- lower interest rates
- winning lottery numbers
- $5,000/week for life from PCH or a million a year for life
- more flowers/landscaping for my back yard
- a sun room on the back of the house
- company/companionship
- a party/company for my 65th birthday
- Nintendo
- a reading and healing with Nancy DuTertre
- freshly painted living and bedroom walls
- a new front door (Dutch Door)
- a ceiling fan in the bedroom
- paying reiki clients
- seeing the red list turn to black
- reiki
- angels
- miracles
- teddy bears
- Dennis Puffett
- miracle foot repair cream
- memory foam
- Crocs
- my grabber
- Advil
- breath
- my body (aches, weight and all... sort of)
- my mattress
- blankets
- personal treasures
- popcorn
- the boom box by my bed
- the ability to read and write
- the ability to type
- the capacity for change
- Dr. Jim - his kindness, his humor and his wisdom
- utensils
- plastic containers
- my microwave
- my refrigerator
- care2.com
- thehungersite.com
- Huffington Post (even though I get very cranky when I read stuff there)
- words
- poetry
- ideas
- inspiration
- free books on the free Kindle app
- my electric toothbrush
- Listerine
- my teeth
- the telephone
- imagination
- resilience
- determination
- inspiring people
- that the GOP candidates are so awful that I can't imagine any of them getting elected
- kindness
- funny people
- things I have forgotten to mention
- things I mention in my heart
- love
- laughter
- life
MAY YOU BE SHAME FREE
(I almost said shameless... Freudian slip?)
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