Gratitude, Day 9

I'm grateful for so many things, it's hard to choose what to talk about. How cool is that? I'm grateful for television and for my computer.

The computer I use now was a gift from my niece Diana when my last one died of a virus. Diana has been very good to me. All of my sister's children have been very good to me. She made awesome kids, but she was an awesome woman so it's not surprising. Their father probably had something to do with it too. He just celebrated his 80th birthday. Wow.

I have my friends Nate and Dan (how did I manage before Tara Grace introduced us?) to thank for my current TV. I had a 20 year old TV that had developed some quirks after 5 moves. It had to warm up for 30-40 minutes after you turned it on and then the picture was a bit wonky. The guys got me another one from a neighbor who was moving. It's a little younger than mine was and most importantly it works. I REALLY, REALLY want to get myself (even though I can't afford it) a flat screen next year. I'm hoping the prices will go down enough that I can get myself one. If not, I've still got a splendid working television so I'm good either way. But I could put a flat screen up onto my book case which is a much better location and would free up a lot of space in my living room. I have a 20 inch now. I'd probably get myself a 26 inch. I've been working my way down. Originally I was thinking 32, but my place is small and I don't need anything that big really. I may work my way down another notch from 26 to 22. We'll see. I enjoy dreaming. I'm grateful for the capacity to dream. It hasn't come easy to me. For much of my life I thought wanting things was a crime. I'm grateful that I have learned to let myself have desires. It's fun to want things if you don't take it too seriously but just let yourself enjoy the experience. And sometimes - as it did yesterday with my nephew's amazing gift - the universe finds a way to grant your wish. How cool is that?

I'm grateful that I am learning to allow myself to have happiness. In my family, I often got punished for happiness and success. My mother did this out of fear, my brother out of malice or psychosis. Which reminds me that I am grateful for my therapist, Dr. James Mulry. If you live in NYC and need a therapist, you couldn't do better. I may not be your traditional pictuer of mental health since I never leave my house, but if you had met the fractured, shattered mess who wobbled into his office 20 years ago, you would realize what a genius he is. With his help I learned to feel my pain and to experience real happiness. Wow. Ok, I can't leave my house, but I'm alive here inside of it. There is barely enough gratitude in the world to cover what Jim has meant in my life. I'm grateful too for some of the people that pushed me towards seeking help. I'm grateful that if something as hideous as murder and the loss of a sister can have a gift in it. It was in part in putting together the broken pieces of my heart, that I found myself.

Anyway, there is much to be grateful for in each and every day and in each and every event in life, even the most devastating and cruel. I am grateful that some years back I found the mantra, "thank you for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever." I really am. I'm grateful that this is my blog and that I can be as long winded as I want to and I'm sure you are grateful that I'm now done with this essay.

Have a lovely Sunday.

Well, as usual, I'm being long winded.