One Single Impression: Two Prompts - Welcoming and Childhood Memories

(Please scroll down for the final Gratitude post.)


This week's prompt for One Single Impression was "welcoming." I missed last week even though I really wanted to participate so I have added a response to that prompt at the bottom of this post. I warn you in advance that it is very long and gloomy. Sorry about that.

Welcoming each day

My gratitude unbounded

How awesome is life

~~~~~~~~~~~

I have slowly learned

To welcome all life offers

Not always with grace

But with a desire to trust

To find beauty in all things

~~~~~~~~~~~

This poem for last week's prompt is VERY, VERY long. I just wrote it. I have not polished it. It took two weeks and a half dozen false starts to get anything, yet I wanted very much to respond to that prompt.... so I did, just a week late. My apologies for the length and the.... darkness of it. This is what I come up with after a month of writing about gratitude. What's wrong with this picture?

Childhood memories are rare and full of pain

Part of me thinks still that I had a happy childhood

I was more fortunate than many, I know that

I had a home, a family – crazy as they were –

I had food to eat, ideas and books

I wasn’t Unloved

Just badly loved

Not out of malice or malevolence

But my parent’s own woundedness

They meant no harm

I believe that

My brother, I think, did

He loved me and hated me both

I don’t know why

Some mis-firing synapses in his brain, no doubt

Doesn’t really matter any more

Though his cruelty, his madness

Has etched itself into my bones

Scarring them with the acid of his devious hate

Sometimes he was mean, you see

But often, his malice was coated with sugar

Always it was excused, explained away

By a mother who thought she could pretend it into submission

Then there were my two fathers

The elegant, brilliant actuary and the slobbering fool

Oddly, it was the drunk Dad who I knew best

I was his caretaker

We made music together Drunk Dad and I

Those close moments at the piano

Him lurching

Tuning and retuning his mandolin

Sitting too close on the bench

Breath strange, eyes red and glazed

Those are my “happy” memories

I didn’t understand until years later

Until my 40s

How afraid I was

Didn’t understand that life on watch

Is not normal

I remember watching him make drinks

(I was server)

Chugging shots as he did

Drunk before he had his first official sip

I remember watching him at dinner

Stuporous

Take all the food onto his plate

Before my turn

My mother’s anger simmering

I remember once my mother packing all her things

“I’m leaving,” she said

But she didn’t mention me.

What about me?
I remember that as being on my birthday

Though I doubt it was

Just my psyche’s code

You are to blame

They would have been ok without you

Be good

Be very good

You must atone for existing

Oddly, aware as I was of my father drinking

Of how he got so drunk

The power of denial is so strong

It took my sister’s anger one day

“You’re drunk” she yelled

I was in my 20s.

“Aha!” my brain cried at last.

“That explains it.”

It’s not that there were no happy days

I think there were.

But I think I wasn’t there

I lived my childhood

Both hyper-vigilant and out of body

It’s how I survived

I still feel guilty

Saying all this

(And there’s so much more)

My parents were good people

How can I betray them so?
They did their best

I have no right to blame them

To be sad or hurt or lost

Even now

I don’t know what’s the truth

Was I a lucky child?
My mother said I was

And ungrateful too

Certainly compared to her

I had a golden childhood

She reminded me of that constantly

As she spilled her own grief into my child heart

I listened to her story

And felt it as my own

In therapy years later,

I realized that her memories were so vivid in me

It was like they were my own.

They are terrible memories

Brutal and harsh

My life was so much better

How can I complain?

I don’t complain really

I try not to

The bad came with much good as well

And in the end I am who I am

Because of both

My weaknesses and strengths

Emotional Siamese twins

Operating for good and ill from the same source

This is long

Unpolished

I do not speak easily of the child I was

She is lost to me and she rules me both

I am still trying to make peace with her

With them

With pain

With shame

With love and loss and confusion

So tangled together

That at 60 years I still can’t sort them out

I don’t know why I remember the bad

More than the good

I am ashamed of that

But it’s how it is.

Gratitude, Day 30

Well, it's November 30th and the final day of the Linda-inspired gratitude month.

Well, let me begin by saying that I'm grateful for Linda herself and am proud to be her honorary aunt. Linda is my niece Cindy's closest friend. Their wonderful children are friends and play together. Reading Linda's blog, reading about her struggles and joys as a mother and a human gives me a sense of joy and gratitude for the goodness there is in the world, for our capacity to love and strive and move through life's light and dark moments with grace and an open heart.

I feel like my life has been richly blessed with interesting and wonderful people. When I first ventured into cyberspace, it opened my somewhat closeted life to a world of interesting, kind, creative people. The blogosphere has introduced me to a whole new set of people who I get to know in a deeper way. And the real world offers me my nieces (Cindy and Diana) and my nephew (Matt), my great niece and nephew (Ani and Trevor), kind neighbors and friends, those I see regularly and some with whom I only have occasional contact these days. I really love people, even the ones I don't much like. At core, we are all struggling to find happiness, to find ourselves.

I'm so grateful for - the world of books and words. I started a post the other day listing books, but It was getting kind of long and complicated.... there are so many wonderful books that have touched my life, changed me, enriched me, entertained me. I don't read as much as I used to. I want to change that if I can.

I'm grateful to live in the age of television and movies. Especially as an agoraphobic, how amazing to sit in my living room and see the world, to see animals in the wild, cities, countries, all forms of beauty and creativity. I'm grateful too for all the amazing photo memes and blogs which offer an incredible window into the vast and astonishing range of beauty and magic of lives all over the world.

I'm grateful for reiki which has taught me much about myself and others and about life itself. I was as big a skeptic as you could find when I was first introduced to the idea of healing. It has been an awesome journey into how miraculous the Universe really is and how interconnected we all are. How stunning that I can reach out with my intention and tap another living being with Unconditional Love. How amazing is that!

I'm grateful for the senses, for sound and touch and taste. My second Thanksgiving dinner from my neighbors was awesomely good. I really think you can taste the love that people cook into food. Anybody who hasn't seen the movie Babette's Feast really should make it a point to do so. It's just so beautiful.

I'm grateful for the little things that really aren't little. For water to drink and bathe in, for fuel to heat my house. For the house itself. Out of trials and pain and the bad behavior of some sad, crazy people, I ended up with something I had never even thought to wish for - a home of my own! I am grateful for the kindness of family, friends and strangers who worked together to make that possible.

I'm grateful for Angel and Tara Grace and for Abigail and Katrina who went before them. My mother didn't like animals. Katrina - my first kitty - was a gift from my sister. I don't know if Trini was really a cat or a guardian angel/spirit guide. Whatever she was, she taught me about love. She - and all of my cats - have enriched my life beyond measure. They are teachers, friends, children... They are gifts from God.

I'm grateful that even though I can't walk very well, any more, I still can. I'm grateful that my brain still works, even though I have to search a little harder for words sometimes these days. Boy is that annoying.

I'm grateful that I live in a free country and in a world that - despite the wickedness being perpetrated in so many places - is struggling to find it's way to universal good. Some days it's harder to believe that than others. When salespeople are trampled to death in the passion to get a cheaper television, or when people are blown up in their hotel rooms for purposes that make no sense other than pure evil. Still, these evils, depraved as they are, also allow us to reach into our capacity for good and love and compassion... if we let them. I'm grateful for our new president-to-be and the hope his election gives me. I'm grateful that good things often come out of the ashes of evil and tragedy. I'm grateful for hope and decency and possibilities.

I'm grateful for life and beauty. I'm grateful for wonders yet to be and for life itself, grateful, that at 61 I am still learning to open my heart to love and life and to myself.

I'm grateful for all of you.

May your day and your lives be rich in peace, joy and an abundance of gratitude. Thank you for being you and for visiting my little blog and sharing my day.

Gratitude, Day 29

Next to the last day of my gratitude posts. Wow the month has flown by.

This morning I'm grateful for a beautiful sunny day with blue skies instead of gray and a return of some color to the ground. And it's not cold out, either. I'm grateful that I think Angel scared the mouse away. I did here her (Angel) squeaking loudly at around 5 am, but I found a shredded toy when I got up this morning, so I'm hoping that was it and not something live. I didn't see any signs of mouse in the kitchen. Cross your fingers for me.

Anyone who reads me fairly regularly will remember that I've mentioned Dennis Puffett a couple of times in my gratitude posts and told you that he offered to give me a free healing for my house. It's called Cosmic Harmonic Resonancing... and he did the deed last Sunday, am my time, Monday his time. He sends a nice certificate too. Unfortunately I sent him a picture of the house before the windows were replaced. Typical me. I get all excited and I stop paying attention to what I'm doing. But anyway...

Two things happened so far that I'm really aware of (besides the mouse). The first day in particular, the energy of the house felt lighter and more fluid to me. But the big thing - the thing I can't say enough words of gratitude for - is that especially on that first day I felt more like myself than I have in probably 30 years. I felt truly grounded and present in myself in a way that I haven't in ages. I've started shifting my hours a little, something I've wanted to do for a long time since I am in the habit of staying up way too late. Maybe that's a factor. In any case, I'm wonderfully grateful for that day of feeling more whole. I'm hoping it is followed by many more. The days since that first one have not been quite as dramatic, but they have been pretty darned good. Here's how Dennis P. describes the process.

Cosmic Energy of Nature that will balance and tune your home or business to the wonderfully refreshing natural rhythm of the universe. Making your home or business user friendly for the occupants. Warm and welcoming to visitors and customers... Following the expulsion of all negative influence, your home or business is flooded with Special Exclusion Energy. Negative influence can not survive in the presence of this Special Exclusion Energy. As far as I know, this is only available through this service.

The wonderful, natural energy cleansing power of CHR follows the same path as Energy of Nature Healing to reach its target.

Besides the certificate, Mr. Puffett writes to tell you anything he experienced. In my case he felt there was a "dark spot" in the back right corner (my guest room/bedroom) area and he fixed that. Anyway, I'm grateful to have my little house in harmony with the universe. I'm hoping this will finally persuade the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes people to bring me my big check. Ya never know!

I'm grateful too, that I got my wordzzles done and posted last night. I had a tough time with this week's words. I'm grateful for all the people who participate in wordzzles every week (I know I've said this before but it's worth repeating) and for their witty, clever creativity.

Although I've enjoyed it, I think I'm grateful that my month of gratitude draws to an end tomorrow. I do kind of like having a theme for the month, though. Saves me a bit of thinking.

So that's it for today.

I'm also very glad that the Christmas Tree Wars
only last for 3 weeks or so each year with no casualties,
living or fiber optic.

May your day be full of laughter, good company and whatever weather best suits your mood.

Saturday Wordzzle Challenge: Week 41

This is week 41 of the Saturday Wordzzle challenge. Anyone new to the process can refer back here to find out how it works. Had an awful time with the mega this week... with all of them, but especially that one. Whoever came up with these words needs to see a psychiatrist... oh, wait... it was me...

The words for this week's ten word challenge were: posthumous, flagrant, seven days a week, cheese and crackers, pyramid, civil war, clarinet, microwave, absent without leave, blue jeans Mini Challenge: sugar-coated, thermometer, tractor pull, evangelical, masquerade

Here's my ten-word offering for this week:

Edward Posthumous had gone absent without leave from both his job as a tax accountant and his position playing first clarinet for the Boomberg Community Orchestra, with a flagrant disregard for the pyramid of disaster that his absence would cause. He did not care. He could not take it any longer. He was tired of working seven days a week without rest or relaxation. From now on – at least for the next two weeks - he planned to sit on the sofa eating cheese and crackers in his most comfortable blue jeans watching videos of The Civil War series and all the movies he had wanted to see but missed because he was working. He would microwave his meals and owe “nothing to nobody.” Then, he would see about returning to work.

And here's my mini challenge:

Gloria’s passion for both tractor pull’s and masquerade balls bordered on the pathological or, if you wanted it sugar coated, she was almost evangelical in her love of both events and her desire to bring others into the fold. This no doubt explained her annual Halloween Tractor Pull which was followed by a gala costume party. Her own costumes were always creative and ingenious. This year she was attending as a thermometer and Harry, her husband, was an ice pack. Besides being great fun, Gloria’s annual event always raised a small fortune for the local pet sanctuary.

And for the mega challenge:

There was no way to sugar coat it, Sandra Spartenburg thought, her son was the worst clarinet player in the history of all time… and the most dedicated. To put it mildly, his music sounded like a pre-posthumous cat at a tractor pull. Unlike other children, who resisted practice, Samuel went at it with evangelical enthusiasm; he played hour after hour, seven days a week. So far the neighbors had been good humored about it but she could not be sure how long it would be before civil war broke out. She herself wanted very much burn the stupid thing in a large fire or maybe nuke it in the microwave. Since that wasn’t practical, she had tried building a sound proof pyramid in which he could practice unheard, but it only seemed to mute the sound which was almost worse. She felt ashamed of herself as a parent. She had developed a flagrant disregard for her son’s feelings. When bribing him with cheese and crackers didn’t work, she would say things like ”you look like you have a fever,” and stick a thermometer into his mouth before he could respond. Anything to keep him from playing another note. She knew she was supposed to be supportive of her children, and she really wanted to be, but the sound of his playing was driving her crazy. It was all she could do to not disappear, to go AWOL (absent without leave) every time he started playing. She wanted very much to don blue jeans and a wig and masquerade as someone else whenever she left the house. But then at night, she would look at Sam’s sweet sleeping face and all else but her love would melt away. I helped too, that her always wise and thoughtful husband had invested in a large enough supply of earplugs to cover the whole neighborhood until hopefully, this phase of Samuel’s development passed, or, God willing, he improved.

~~~~~~~~~~~

This week's vanity wordzzle used the words: tiger, false, camera, obsolete, velvet, novelty, timeless, contract, mellifluous, sandalwood, perfection, xylophone, topography

Miranda raised her arms to the sky and spun around three times in a dance of joy. This place was perfection - a timeless and sensual wonderland, so rich in texture, color, sound. The topography was just what she had asked for, velvety green forest on one side, from which she could look out on the vast green veldt and the enormous mountains in the distance, so huge and beautiful that they almost seemed unreal. Here in camp she was wrapped in the rich smell of sandalwood and hibiscus and who knew what other good smells. The mellifluous ripple of the small clear stream nearby sang to her heart. She could not wait to set up her camera, to try and capture this wild beauty before it became obsolete, to show people what they would lose if they did not stop soon. Elephants, lions, tigers, gnus - this was where they belonged. The fancy preserves, no matter how pretty or well designed were false - the works of man, not God. They took these magnificent creatures and turned them into novelty items. But they were not. Each species, each animal had its own unique aura and style and gift to give the universe. She could not bear the thought of losing all this beauty. Her contract with the magazine was to take pictures, to preserve this place in the annals of history. But she had her own contract with God and with this place and all the plants and other beings that inhabited it. She would do still shots, but also a movie. She even knew what music she would use - native drums and a kind of local xylophone that held the spirit of the place. She had to save this beauty. And as the sun set against the distant mountains she sent her heart out into the land and the sky and the trees and asked them to speak to her eyes, to her film in the coming days, to help her fulfill her mission. And then she whispered, "I will keep you alive and then, if you will have me, I will come home to you to die."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Week's Ten Word Challenge will be: think the rain’ll hurt the rhubarb?, B Vitamins, credit card, jolly, angels, mouse, three ring circus, haiku, sponge, copper

Mini Challenge: compulsive, trunk, African violets, curiosity, UFO

Thanks for playing. For those who are new, here are some guidelines to make the process more fun.

Enjoy! See you next week.

DON'T FORGET TO ADD YOUR NAME TO MR. LINKY!!!!!

Gratitude, Day 28

All of today's photos were taken by Shannon Dermody.
(Please ignore the dirty windows.)

Wow. November is almost over. I hope everyone had a wonderful day yesterday with yummy food and family and friends at their best.

I didn't get to watch Babette's Feast because I had unexpected company much of the day. Shannon came by and spent some time with me. We visited Webkins and then she took some more photos. She really has a gift, I think. So today's photos are again the work of Shannon Dermody.

In the early evening Nate, Dan and Sue came by with a massive meal for me and visited for about an hour. Then the Dermody's dropped off a plate from their Thanksgiving, so I have food for tonight too. And for my part, I baked (well I unboxed an put into the oven) a Rhubarb Triple berry pie from Schwan's. I always wanted to try rhubarb pie and now I'm addicted. I gave half away to my friends as a thank you for their generosity to me. I had a small taste last night and knew I was hooked. I had rhubarb pie for breakfast this morning. May not be good for me, but it sure tasted good. I love tasting new things so that was a special treat indeed... and it was fun to be able to give back to my friends a bit too.

Yesterday - and I wish I could just post it instead of linking to it - my friend Kim sent me this wonderful little 16 minute movie called SMILE (0r it might be called Valicaton, I'm not sure). I thought it was truly wonderful.

On another gratitude front, the mouse seems to have left or at least to have gone into serious hiding. Angel is no longer on military patrol and has not been turned into a killer and I don't have a dead mouse body to dispose of. All things to be grateful for. Hopefully word will spread among the local mice that this house is protected by a watch kitty and they won't come calling again. We will see, I guess.

I'm truly grateful for the delight of getting to spend time with a young person like Shannon. My sister's kids are grown and live far away and Cindy's awesome children are strangers who I know by photograph. I'm so grateful that I got to live with Ani for the first year of her life. What an amazing miracle that was! But back to Shannon. There is something so enriching about the curiosity and enthusiasm of someone who is just learning about life. I so enjoy that she enjoys me and I am enjoying watching her explore with the camera. I've set up a folder on my Picassa page for her pictures but I thought I'd post a few of her own and my favorites here.


For all of you who cooked and hosted large gatherings, I hope you had good elves to help with clean-up. The up side of living alone and having people bring you food is that there's no clean-up involved.

Have Purr-fect Day!

Gratitude, Day 27 - Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone. I imagine that the blogosphere will be pretty quiet today as people cook and bake and gather with family. For all the craziness of my immediate family, I do miss these holidays when the larger family gathered and we were all at our best (mostly). Still, I am very blessed. My "friend family" is watching over me (even though they really don't have to), which is very nice. And I'll probably watch Babette's Feast today. I just love that movie.

Today the universe has seen it's way to giving us a mouse. At around three am I heard Angel wailing in a very excited way (actually she did this the night before too). I decided to get up and use the bathroom and make sure she was ok.... just as she herded a tiny thing straight in my direction. I didn't realize at first that it wasn't a toy. I didn't really see the whole mouse, but I think it has at least a white face. Of course Angel drove it right into the bedroom. So far it has escaped her, which I'm kind of glad about. I don't want a mouse in my bedroom (or the house at all), but I really don't want a dead mouse. I'm hoping she can just scare it back out into the big world where it belongs. At present I think it's under a blanket tossed rather untidily in the corner. I think this because Angel is on patrol. I made the mistake in my panic as it ran into the bedroom of telling her she was very brave. Of course she listened to me when I was spouting nonsense. So I'm grateful that the mouse is corralled and not dead and grateful that I managed to put my fear aside and get some sleep.

I'm grateful for friends in the flesh, in cyberspace and the blogosphere, for Angel and Tara Grace.

I'm grateful for the lovely day I had yesterday. Shannon came over to play with me and we had a grand day. We took some video of Angel which I will probably not bore people with. We spent some time at Webkins World (my computer being a major part of my appeal). I played my keyboard for a while and Shannon took some photos. She videotaped me playing too, but we're not sharing that either. I will share the picture she took of my old lady hands. They still surprise me from time to time when I look at them. More than changes to my face or hair even, I wonder whose hands are those? Anyway, all the pictures today were taken by Shannon yesterday. I think she's got a creative eye. I'm so grateful for the joy and youth she brings into my days when she visits.

I guess I'll leave it at that this morning.

Of course Angel has to get into the act.
Her music is somewhat Gothic and atonal... the stuff of horror movies.

This is a scene from Webkins World. That's Clyde, one of Shannon's pets.
The pig (see below) is named Cutestuff.

I think this is a really nice picture of Angel.

This is a collage of some of the other photos Shannon
took yesterday and the day before.

Have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!

Gratitude, Day 26

Well, I started a whole other post which I decided to leave for another day because I wasn't happy with how it was turning out and now I'm not sure what to do for today. It was about books and writing, but I got lost in a sea of titles and don't like how it was coming out... so I'm going to switch to music.

I'm so grateful for music, all kinds of music. What would my world be without music. It has been a profoundly important part of my life. As a child, I played the piano and sang and it probably helped to keep me sane and whole. I loved folk songs and at one time in my life (possibly somewhere in the deep cavities of my brain still) was the repository of a pretty extensive collection of folk songs from all over the world. I loved playing the piano and I'm so grateful to have my keyboard, though frustrated at how much I have forgotten. I love singing, though my voice isn't what it used to be. I used to have sing-alongs when I lived in the city. What a wonderful thing to gather with others and sing. There's not much that matches it in life.

It's a fairly well kept secret that I started my college career majoring in music. I played the clarinet. Unfortunately (long twisted family story) I was uncomfortable having people hear me play, which doesn't go so well in a professional music setting. Nerves eventually flunked me out of the music program at Fredonia, but not before I discovered my soprano voice (I had always sung tenor) and had some wonderful experiences, like singing Benjamin Britten's War Requiem with the Buffalo Philharmonic and meeting and singing under the baton of Pablo Casals. Awesome, humble man.

Nerves ruined a lot for me musically, but I did have some cool experiences in spite of myself. I (can you believe it!) auditioned for and got accepted into a pretty hoity-tointy madrigal group in the city but was too insecure to stick it out. And I got into the New York Choral Society. Lasted through the Christmas concert at Carnegie Hall with Peter Paul and Mary. I made myself ill (literally) with anxiety. I made it through the two performances but was too ill to attend the party at Peter Yarrow's house. How dumb is that! Still, I sang at Carnegie Hall with PP&M and the music was wonderful. During the days when I attended the little Lutheran Church around the corner from my house, I sang much of the liturgy. I loved doing that. The LCA had a beautiful vespers service and it was wonderful to sing it. Gee, maybe when I'm done with this post, I'll pull my hymnal off the shelf and take a trip down memory lane.

And of course there's Bach, and Mozart and Schumann and Dvorjac and... so many styles and moods and tones. One of the wonders of music is that there is a style and composer/musician for everyone of us and for every mood and moment. Music touches profound places in most of us and it (I think this is true) links the left and right sides of the brain. Sometimes people with strokes who have lost language can still sing or recite poetry (I think this is accurate) because the information is stored in a different place in the brain. How incredible the world is.

And there's popular music. I'm bad at names and sort of out of it. I won't even try to list groups or individuals I like. There are many but the names aren't coming to me. The Beatles, of course... and for some reason the "Jeremiah was a bull frog" song comes to mind. That song always makes me happy. John Denver always makes me happy too. And Enya and Loreena McKinnett... but they are probably all more "folk." I do like soft rock. Hard rock, not so much, some jazz but not all. But I'm just rambling now.

There's also the music of life itself and the wide-ranging sounds of cat's purring, the wind in the trees, birds songs, waves lapping against the shore, rain on the roof, laughter, weeping, babies laughing... or crying, children playing... so many wonders for the ear to take in.

I'm so grateful to have ears to hear and a voice to speak and sing.

That's it for today.

Hope you have a wonderful day
rich in music and laughter
and a lovely Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Gratitude, Day 25

Well, I had planned to do something a bit different today, but I woke up to a world of new snow falling, so I'm taking the lazy way out and we're having pictures. These are especially aimed at the snow deprived who don't get to enjoy the beauty of this season. I'm really not that fond of winter or of snow, but it IS pretty. I'm so grateful for my camera, so grateful for the beauty of fresh snow, so grateful that I don't have to go out in it. Grateful too, the my neighbor Shawn brings his snow blower and clears my snow for me so I never have to worry about that.

Shannon got the day off from school so she's sitting here with me this morning. I'm grateful for her laughter and that she is entertaining Angel while I do this. We're trying to video tape some of it so maybe there will entertainment at some time in the future... or maybe just six minutes of exceedingly boring video of cats playing. I'm grateful too for Shannon's laughter.

First, you have to see a picture of my beautiful new telephone. It seems to be kitty proof so far and you can use speaker phone without it being all echo-y.


I am very happy. It has a thing for mounting on the wall so I may do that and hopefully that will make it totally kitty proof. But back to snow.

Here's what greeted me this morning. Isn't it beautiful?

This is looking to the mountain...
it's completely hidden by the snow

Well, I have to play with my friend now, so I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Gratitude, Day 24

Happy Monday!

Today I am grateful for unexpected gifts. November has been a very fruitful month... It's very strange, but gifts have just been pouring in... My nephew gave me the gift of two visits and a keyboard, which I've already talked about.

The day after Matt came to see me, two friends from my days in the city came. Paul gave the girls a gift... a nifty toy which they can't lose. They both have a penchant for losing their toys. I don't know where the twelve million little balls are... but they will no doubt turn up at some point and be lost again with in a day of rediscovery. The toy Paul left us is on a stick and I have actually gotten smart enough to put it in a safe place when we aren't playing with it. Both girls played this morning and I took these terrible blurry pictures... but you can see that they were having fun. It was really remarkable for Tara Grace to come and play. She doesn't often do that because she doesn't see too well and I think she was kind of robbed of her kittenhood. Anyway... they are enjoying the gift.


Then last weekend, Nate and Dan came with a free microwave. I haven't had the courage to use it yet, but my food delivery just came and there are some specifically microwavable items in the mix this time, so maybe I'll work up my courage and try it. I'm always grateful for the gift of Schwans and for Tom, the man who delivers my groceries. He's such a kind, nice man. We had a lovely chat this morning about healing and spirituality. He's now behind schedule, but it was a good talk.

Then yesterday... I'm not kidding... it has been a never-ending flow of gifts.... Nate and his mother Sue came by for a surprise visit. For about five years now, I have had a tragic but much loved little fake Christmas tree - a fake tree worthy of Charlie Brown. I got it on sale from some on-line candle store for something like $3 or $5. Cheap. Really cheap. It was such a pathetic eyesore that I loved it. It was loveably pathetic. Alas, at the end of last year it twinkled it's last ( the lights went out and as far as I can tell, there's now way to fix them). Nate knew I was hunting for a replacement. I had found one online but it was a touch pricy... good sale but... more than $5 that I paid for the tree it was replacing. So last night in comes Nate with this little tree which he insisted on giving to me. Oh - and I almost forgot that last Sunday Dan brought me a Merry Christmas thing for my door. It's really sweet. I'll share a photo at some point but it's already taking me forever to write this today and taking more photos would just add another delay.

Almost done with my list... Later today, I'm getting new phones... They weren't a gift and I suppose I should wait to talk about them since they haven't arrived, but I'm really excited about getting them. Found a deal on Amazon.com.... answering machine and phone with a second handset all for $35. I've long wanted a phone in the bedroom because given my physical issues it's kind of stupid not to have one there. This new phone - hopefully - will have the virtue of being smaller and not reprogrammable by the cats as the current phone is. They change my message, turn the answer machine off, do all sorts of things to it. Stomp all over it... even when I'm talking to people. Sigh. This morning it was off the hook. I'm hoping that this new one will solve that problem. And it was half price. I love a good sale. And this phone is cordless! Needless to say, I'm profoundly grateful for FedEx and UPS who so kindly bring me stuff from time to time.

And of course last but not least, last night - or perhaps the wee hours of this morning, my house was "cosmically harmonized." I'll write about that more as the days go by, but I think it's such a cool gift to have received. I don't know if it's my imagination or not, but the energy in the house feels "lighter" to me. I slept really well and I feel more energetic than I have in a while. This could be because I went to bed earlier and got up earlier... In any case, I'm very happy about it and will share more later in the month.

So, anyway, this morning, I am awed and grateful for so many small and large gifts and improvements in my home life. And grateful as always to have this sweet home and the beauty and wonder that surrounds it.

Have a fantastic day!

Gratituded, Day 23

Well, it may seem like I'm scraping the bottom of the gratitude barrel here, but today I'm grateful for television.

First, I'm grateful that I have one that works, thanks to my friends who found me a free one to replace my antique and barely functioning model.

I live alone so TV for me is a kind of company. I'm more prone to listen than to watch because I'm addicted to my computer. Right now I'm listening to a PBS Sunday morning variation on talking heads called TO THE CONTRARY which features women only. I find it a grade above the standard talking head - why do I listen to this stuff? - but only a grade. My annoyance of the week is this whole mythology that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are "enemies." They campaigned against each other. She lost. That doesn't make them enemies. How old are all these people? Are they six and they think that if you disagree with someone they become your enemy? Yikes... But oops... here I am digressing from gratitude and starting a rant.

Still, I'm grateful that Barack Obama is a mature adult human who is too smart, too decent and too adult to live in a world of polarization, of enemies and pay-back. I think that will be one of the greatest gifts his administration will have to offer... the possibility of turning us back into one country again, where political differences aren't so divisive and where one can as he often says "disagree without being disagreeable." Bravo to that. I'm grateful that hard as the media wants to make us live in a world of enemies, we now have a president who intends to live in a world of "colleagues."

But back to being grateful for TV. I like TV. I know I'd be better off if I didn't turn it on so much, but I like it. I like being annoyed by soap operas and talking heads. (I guess this says something about me.) I like PBS and Masterpiece Theatre and many good things TV has to offer. And sometimes I just like being entertained. I'm grateful that I live in a century where the computer and the TV bring the world to me. What a wonderful blessing that is.

Along with TV, I'm SO grateful for the VCR and DVD players that, along with Netflix (see me positively oozing gratitude for Netflix), bring movies right into my home. Wow. What a joy. I'm especially grateful for some of my favorite ever movies like

Babette's Feast
A Passage to India
Wag the Dog
Shawshank Redemption
Dead Poet's Society

These are old and what's coming to the top of my head, but they are also among my all time favorites. The gift of being able to plug a movie into your TV and watch it whenever you want to is pretty awesome. I'm so grateful to live in a time when that's possible.

Guess that's it for today. Here are a couple of pictures. Not my best, I'm afraid.

Have a wonderful day!

Gratitude, Day 22

(Please scroll down for The Saturday Wordzzle Challenge.)

It's a chilly Saturday and I've just finished reading through the wordzzles that have been posted so far this week. I'm awed at all the wonderful imaginative stories that wordzzles pull out of people and grateful that others get as much fun out of them as I do.

I'm grateful too today, that I'm warm and sung in my little house despite the fact that it's bitterly cold out - 19 degrees last I checked. Grateful too that the snow has stopped. I'm not really ready for this much winter this soon. Truth be told, I'm seldom ready for winter at any time, though I am grateful for the magic and variety of the seasons.

There's an odd thing that happens sometimes when I post. I know there's a reverse law of attraction thing going on because I notice that the days when I kind of obsessively care about a post being read are the days when nobody visits. This was the case with yesterday's gratitude post which I wrote about a man named Dennis Puffett. I'm trying to be grateful - well I AM grateful - that two people read it and said they were going to contact him, but that gratitude meets up with a more willful place in me. Things like Reiki and like Dennis Puffett's ability have had such a profound an life-changing impact in my life that I want EVERYBODY to experience them. And when I get that way, I start worrying that people won't read or won't like the post and also I lose sight of the fact that it isn't my call and just because it's important to me, I can't force it on other people. People will find it when they need it. Or they won't. We are each on our own journey. I also really want Dennis Puffett to be happy. Truth is, Mr. Puffett is very happy without my help. It's my ego at play here and not very nicely, either. Still, I'm grateful that cyberspace and the blogosphere being what they are, that I can ask anyone who missed yesterday's story about Dennis P. to check it out... and not seem (I hope) naggy or pushy. So today I'm grateful that I can be obnoxious in a void and not see people feel cranky with me.

I'm grateful too for how pretty the snow looks and that it's what I call "tasteful snow" - not too much, just enough to be pretty on the grass and trees but not on the roads. Not enough to require shovelling.

Guess that's it for today. I hope you are all warm and snug if you live in cold weather climates and cool and comfortable if you live on the opposite side of the world.

Have a wonderful day!

Not a very good picture, but I've been trying to catch this little guy going in
and out here for months. Finally did it. My windows REALLY need washing.

Saturday Wordzzle Challenge: Week 40

(Please scroll down for today's Daily Gratitude and read about Dennis Puffett.)

This is week 40 of the Saturday Wordzzle challenge. Anyone new to the process can refer back here to find out how it works.

Boy, I had a hard time with this week's words... and only myself to blame for them... what was I thinking! Anyway, I had an awful time this week and my whole day seemed to be running late so I didn't polish these, they just are what they are. Sigh. Looking forward to seeing what the rest of you came up with.

By the way, I have no idea why the type face changed size. The small ones are the way I'd like it to be. Another blogger mystery.

The words for this week's ten word challenge were: pipe organ, ravages of time, lottery tickets, angelic music, five x five, boxes of books, flattery will get you nowhere, yodelling, pig tails, knitting needles (or for those who didn't see the update: moisturizing, pickles, seat belt, flip-flop, Chicago, allergies, doctor, ready or not here I come, computer programmer, dog biscuits)

Mini challenge: canary yellow, grizzly bear, out of the frying pan into the fire, simpleton, Ministry of Crazy Walks (or for those who didn't see the update: gluttony, mercurial, tennis bracelet, anchor, molten)

Here's my ten-word offering for this week:

The ravages of time had taken much from Wanda Wingford. Reduced by age and infirmity to living in a 5x5 room filled with a bed, dresser, one chair and several boxes of books, she maintained a vitality of spirit undimmed by her circumstances. Some mornings the nurses would find her with knitting needles in hand creating magnificent scarves and sweaters which she would eventually give to them. Sometimes they would find her, hair in pigtails, yodeling at the top of her lungs. But some mornings – the mornings the nurses most looked forward to – they would find her singing softly. Age may have weakened her vocal cords, but what came out of Wanda’s tiny, time-ravaged body on these mornings, was nothing short of angelic music. The world seemed a better place simply because of the sound of her voice. “Flattery will get you nowhere,” she would laugh if someone complemented her. But she would sing an extra song on those days so she was complemented often. Every year someone gave all the residents a lottery ticket just before Thanksgiving. This year, much to everyone’s delight and amazement Wanda had won. And not $100, either. She had one $20 million. All I want for myself she had declared, is a pipe organ. With the rest she redecorated the home, gave gifts to everyone, contributed to charity… and she sang and sang and sang.

And here's my mini challenge:

Marcus was such a simpleton that he thought the Ministry of Crazy Walks was a real place and prepared a canary yellow resume with video so he could apply for a job. As luck would have it, he did not survive to learn of his folly but went camping instead in wilderness country. Relieved at having escaped a close encounter with a pack of wolves, he leaped rather unfortunately out of the frying pan into the fire, ate a hearty meal and went to sleep, storing his remaining food stuff in the tent next to him, thereby attracting a very hungry mother grizzly bear and her three cubs. His life was not a total failure, however. His video eventually became a hit on youtube and he achieved some amount of posthumous fame.

And the mega challenge:

Harcourt Dingleschmidt loved his job at the Ministry of Crazy Walks despite the fact that his office was a cramped 5x5 hole in the wall. Although he was a something of a simpleton, his crazy walks were remarkably creative. Harcourt was in love with Tammy Twillwinger who worked down the hall from him in the Angelic Music Corps. Her specialty was yodeling, but she also played a mean pipe organ. She had the most beautiful golden hair which she wore in pig tails most days with canary yellow ribbons. He had first seen her sitting in the lunch room sorting through a box of books, most of which had seen the better days and showed the ravages of time in their decaying binding and pages. He had offered to help her sort them and they had found an instruction book for knitting. “You are the most beautiful woman on earth,” he has whispered to her at the end of their efforts. “Flattery will get you nowhere,” she had replied, untruthfully. It had gotten him a kiss and a date. From that day forward she could be seen at lunch each day knitting needles flying rapidly to form what became perhaps the ugliest sweater ever known to man. With the out of the frying pan into the fire loyalty of a man in love and despite the fact that it made him look like a lop-sided grizzly bear and drawing mockery from his co-workers, he wore it constantly. Perhaps fate loves a lover because two weeks later he won the highest commendation for an exceptionally crazy walk, bought a winning lottery ticket, and won Tammy’s hand in marriage as well. He spent the rest of his days wearing a series of the ugliest sweaters ever known to man and he was as blissfully happy as any man – simpleton or genius – could ever be.

~~~~~~~~~~~

This week's vanity wordzzle used the words: bookends, water, cardboard box, candles, carpet, mauve, silky, extrapolate, nonchalant, boisterous, absolve, cousin.

A few months after cousin Walter died and was, I thought, long buried, he turned up in my life again by way of a large, bruised and beaten cardboard box filled with a strange assortment of odds and ends that were, in their way, a perfect reflection of Walter himself. Quite frankly, I never approved of Walter. He was everything I had been taught not to be - boisterous and silly and wild half the time and then, oh so nonchalant just when he should have been passionate. But still, there was something inherently kind about Walter that made it impossible not to like him, and even worse, impossible not to absolve him of guilt no matter what his sin of the moment might have been. But back to the box. What a hodgepodge: first, there was a pair of amethyst bookends, really lovely stones. He might have been silly, but he did have a good eye, our Walter. Then there was a massive six-armed candelabra with 5 dozen green and 6 dozen pink candles, a small, exquisite Navaho carpet, a luscious silky mauve bathrobe which miraculously seemed to fit me even though Walter and I were of totally different builds. There were some books - one on mysticism, one on music theory, one about the Impressionists, and one about a new, naturalistic method for purifying water. The strangest items were five large posters, each bearing a single word as follows: EXTRAPOLATE, ANTICIPATE, REJOICE, IMAGINE, and BUBBLEGUM. That was Walter all over. There were a few other items too, but I'll share that later. Meanwhile, I think maybe there was magic in that box, because somehow I feel a bit lighter and more carefree since it arrived.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Week's Ten Word Challenge will be: posthumous, flagrant, seven days a week, cheese and crackers, pyramid, civil war, clarinet, microwave, absent without leave, blue jeans

Mini Challenge: sugar-coated, thermometer, tractor pull, evangelical, masquerade

Thanks for playing. For those who are new, here are some guidelines to make the process more fun.

Enjoy! See you next week.

DON'T FORGET TO ADD YOUR NAME TO MR. LINKY!!!!!

Gratitude, Day 21

Well, I was wondering what I was going to write this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed despite the fact that it's a gorgeous (but very cold) day outside. Even my cats, who have learned to have a fair amount of patience about breakfast, were getting antsy. I was waffling back and forth between gratitude and self pity and feeling a touch sorry for myself. (Things like "if I'm this wobbly at 61, what will I be like at 80?.... I had the potential for sliding into a woe is me day.) And then I opened my email.

Some of you may remember that I mentioned Dennis F. Puffett, the healer in Australia in my Wednesday post (Gratitude, Day 19). Well, I don't know if people checked him out or quite how, but he found out what I had written and asked if he could quote me. He wrote me a lovely note. He and his wife have been married for 62! years. He's 84 and she has just turned 88. Besides doing his healing work, he writes children's books and poetry. (You can find information at his website.) He also said he feels like his healing gifts are underused. So all of you who feel shy asking for a free gift, please know that this man loves doing this work. He wants to help more people. You have nothing to lose by writing to him. All you have to do is email him with your name, your age, general location (nation, and county or town), and what you want help with and how long the condition has existed. Here's a link the the page with his email address and the instructions. Then he zaps you with good energy, emails you to let you know he has done so and you hopefully feel better. And all it costs you is the three minutes it took you to write the email. Nothing to lose and much to gain.

But I'm getting all disorganized writing this. I was so delighted to get this lovely note from Mr. Puffett... and glady agreed to him quoting me as an endorsement. I told him that I recommend him often (many of you know that I do) . I thought it was sad that he was feeling underused and asked if I could use his photo (doesn't he look like Santa Claus?) and that I'd write another post about him in the near future. I hadn't really planned on doing it quite so soon, but... when he wrote back to say yes I could use his photo, he also gave me the gift of a special extra focused healing for my gums and they are WAY better this morning... I mean truly better. This makes me very happy. Wow. But the gift doesn't stop there. I am being gifted with the one thing that Mr. Puffett charges for... and it's SOOOO cool. He does a kind of healing on houses. As I wrote back to him, this is one of the things on my "when I win the lottery" list. I would have my house done and the houses of everybody I know. Viviane L., A friend of mine in Greece had her house done (that's how I heard about Mr. Puffett in the first place). She said the change wasn't what she expected, but the way she and her husband relate to each other and the way they operate around some thing which had been minor areas of contention shifted. She's very happy that she did it. So this morning I feel like a kid on Christmas and I'm very grateful. My gums don't hurt and I'm getting another cool present. How good is life!

But back to Dennis Puffett... As I said in my Wednesday post, Mr. Puffett has an amazing gift for healing. I do reiki and I'm pretty good at sending energy but not always quite so good at receiving. I always feel it when Dennis Puffet sends healing. The air around me changes. And I feel better. And it's free. Also free is the "Instant Healing Page." I really, really, really can't say enough good things about him and I really, really, really want everybody to check him out and experience the magic. So, please... anyone out there with aches and pains, with a serious illness or depression or whatever. Do something nice for yourself and for Dennis Puffett. Let him share his gift with you. I think you'll be really glad you did. I'm so grateful that he's out there and sharing his gift with such a generous and open heart.

Winter is here. Well below freezing. Snowing as I type.

And here are my healing hands from my reiki page

Have a wonderful day....
and allow yourself some free healing, just for the joy of it.

Gratitude, Day 20

James Mulry, Therapist Extra-ordinaire

Well, this morning, I'm grateful that there are only 9 days of gratitude posts left after this one. It's getting harder. But today is an easy one. I want to use today's gratitude post to honor someone who has been profoundly important in my life: my therapist, James Mulry. I've mentioned him in passing in these gratitude and other posts, but I finally asked his permission to share his photo and I thought I'd give him the acknowledgment that he deserves.

Jim is a very special human being and an awesomely good therapist. He survived having me as a client. That alone says something about him.

After my sister was murdered in 1988, I knew I needed help. I had lost my sister, my brother and I were newly estranged, my mother was very ill. My beloved pastor had moved away to California and my first therapist had died or was dying of AIDS. Someone recommended that I try getting a massage and I found a woman who was a gifted healer. While her work helped on one level, it also opened the floodgates of dozens of bleeding psychic wounds from my childhood. I needed help with a lot more than grieving my sister's murder.

Someone recommended a woman therapist (let's call her Dr. G) not far from my apartment and I saw her for a month or two, I guess. Turned out she was crazier than I am. I mean, she was kind of dangerously crazy. She got vindictive with clients if they didn't please her. Unfortunately, in the first blush of seeing her, I had recommended her to a friend who got hurt by her as well. But that's a story for another day. We all survived.

Mercifully, the massage lady knew Dr. Jim. I met him on Feb. 15th 1989. He had the kindest face (see above), twinkly eyes (again see above - are you blushing Dr. Jim?), and maybe best of all - a sense of humor. There had been no laughter with Crazy Dr. G. With Jim I laughed even at that first meeting. But there was much more to my work with Jim than laughter. It was safe to cry with him too. He is intelligent and perceptive as well as kind. Kindness didn't keep him from calling me on my crap. Gently but relentlessly. I don't know where he found the patience to just go over and over the same thing until I got it. I'm not one who lets go of my dysfunction easily. I clung to some things that were killing me as though they were the life raft and not the anchor. Jim never lost patience with me.

One of the first things that struck me about Jim - besides the kindness - was that he was there for me. Besides all the stuff about my sister and brother and my family in general, when I first started seeing him, I was in a job situation that was very bad. My boss was taking her own problems out on me and making my life very difficult. I mean REALLY horrible and telling lies about me and... Anyway, already, with only a few weeks of knowing him, I was able to push past every rule in my demented psyche and reach out between sessions. He had told me I could. He was wonderful. I didn't feel like I was imposing. I didn't feel like I was bothering him. I felt calmed and steadied.

There are so many thing to say about this remarkable person. In the end of my time in New York, only two things got me out the door. Therapy and getting medication for my cat Katrina, who needed daily fluid drips. Jim may not have been able to solve my agoraphobia, but he healed so many deeper wounds.

Towards the end of my time in New York, my brother agreed to come to a therapy session. Being in proximity to my brother was terrifying to me. Not because he was physically dangerous. - his Parkinson's was already pretty well advanced at this time - but because he was psychically and emotionally lethal. I booked a double session for the meeting with my brother. And I had booked a second double session because I knew I'd need it... Even that wasn't enough and Jim found a way to squeeze me in for a third one. Poor man... that's a lot of me in one day, especially if you add my psycho brother into the mix. But I needed that extra time and Jim knew it. You see, one of my issues, one of my problems when I went into therapy was that I had been so programmed to deny my feelings that I didn't quite know what I was feeling and I tended to second-guess myself. I could walk into the office bleeding and question whether I had really been stabbed.

Once in a while - maybe only once, Jim made a mistake. He apologized to me at the next session. He didn't make me wrong for his mistake and he didn't try to push it under the rug. You know you are safe with someone like that. You know you can trust him. And I did. I do.

Towards the end of my time in New York I ran out of money and I had to stop therapy. Then I went to Arizona for 18 months. Just before I left, I made a rare excursion out of my apartment to have a farewell lunch with Dr. Jim which is when I took the picture above. I was out of touch with Jim for a while after that. I got in contact with him again when I applied for my SSD and then when my landlady went crazy in Callicoon a friend of mine said, "why don't you call your therapist." I didn't want to. I thought it would be rude and unfair. I didn't know that he'd want to work with me by phone. But I was really scared and eventually I called him. Oh, how glad I am. He talked me through things, helped me to move forward on getting my house. He was on the phone with me one of the times Dianne came pounding on the door yelling. Long-distance, he got me through it and beyond it.

There's so much I could say about Jim Mulry, about his gifts as a therapist, his wisdom, his PATIENCE, his steadiness. Anyone in the New York area who needs a therapist, would do well to seek him out.

I don't know how to do this right. I love this man so much and I owe him so much. I think Jim is the reason my SSD went through so easily too. Rumor has it that almost nobody gets approved the first time through. I did. The Social Security people wanted to know the name of the doctor in New York who I went to when I hurt my legs. I couldn't remember his name, but he had been recommended by Jim. So they called him. I think it changed everything. I could be wrong about that but I don't think so. Lucky break for me.

Anyway, Jim - who isn't fond of phone sessions - calls me every week and keeps me grounded. I don't know who I would be if he hadn't come into my life. I know that I would not know myself as well as I do. I might have succumbed to the psychotic world of my brother. My spirit might have died a slow, tortured death. I would not have learned to have any compassion for myself. Maybe that's not true. Maybe I would have found some other way. I could not have found a kinder, gentler way. In Jim I found the parents I never had, a friend to my spirit, a wise guide. I can't say enough good things about him. There isn't enough gratitude in the universe to cover what a blessing he has been in my life. Thank you, Jim, for being you and for helping me to be me.

***********

I was going to end with some squirrels since they are so popular,
but I thought instead, I'd post some pictures of the two other beings who help keep me sane.

Angel Joy, Naughty Cat Extra-ordinaire

Tara Grace, Bossy cat extra-ordinaire

Have a wonderful day!

Portrait of Words Challenge

(Please scroll down for today's Gratitude Post.)

Time for Jeff B's monthly Portrait of Words challenge. I wasn't sure I was up to it this month, but I missed last month and I decided to give it a try. Each month Jeff gives us a set of 7 photographs, each of which has an assigned function in whatever story one comes up with. We get about three weeks to think about it and a span of three days in which to post 0ur story. I really threw this together pretty quickly so it's not very good, but I wanted to participate... So here it is, for better or worse... which actually kind of fits the story that I came up with. (Eeek a pun.) It may not be good, but at least it's short and sweet.... When you finish here, please go over to Jeff's A Word in Edgewise blog and check out the other participants too.

A Fairy Tale Romance

It had been love at first sight, like in some bad movie. Sam and Samantha. Destined for one another. Walking their identical dogs in the park just as the sun was setting over the lake. It couldn’t have been more romantic. The dogs – both golden retrievers – had been first, dragging their owners towards each other. He was handsome, she beautiful. They sat on the bench, watching the setting sun and each knew that life was different, that fairy stories actually had a grain of truth. They met for coffee the next day and now, here they were, six short months later, surrounded by friends in the same park, on their wedding day. It was a gala affair. It would be featured in the local papers in the days to come. As though to continue the fairy tale quality of everything about them, the day was glorious. Bright sun, not to hot or too cold, the fragrance of Spring flowers wafting on the gentlest possible breeze. She was beautiful in her gown, he handsome in his tux. Their cake was a masterpiece of modern art, all angles and shapes, as unique and creative as they themselves. The dogs were there decked out in wedding finery and had their own cake made of dog biscuits. It was a grand party. Four other couples met and fell in love.

At days end, they left the dogs in the care of friends who would give them a fine honeymoon on their farm and drove off in their fine gray Mercedes convertible for their own honeymoon adventure on the high seas. And true to the fairy tale beginning of this story, the couple opened their own coffee emporium – Sam’s Place - which they ran together in wedded bliss for the next 50 years. If you’re very lucky and you allow yourself happiness, life sometimes really can be like a fairy tale.

Gratitude, Day 19

Hmm.... I'm not feeling ungrateful this morning, but I'm feeling tired and my brain seems to be having one of it's mushy days. It's gray out - AGAIN - and 25 degrees cold.

But, still... there is much to be grateful for. I'm warm and snug in my little house. Oddly, even though it's so bitterly cold outside, I'm feeling less chilly at my 60 degree level than I did last week when it was in the 30s. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe because the furnace works harder at keeping the house warm when it's deeply cold... or maybe I just haven't started to feel it yet. As I'm writing this, I'm starting to feel chillier. I think I'm going to experiment with warming it up for a half hour and then going back to 60 and see if that works better with out running my bill too high. Believe it or not my utility bill DOUBLED last month. Yikes. But I'm grateful that I had the money to pay it and that I live in a place where I have access to reliable heat and electric.

Statistically, "technically," I'm poor. Sometimes when I want something that I can't have I feel a touch whiny and poor, but given my situation, I live very nicely. I'm grateful for that. Because people like me live in a relatively spoiled society, I think we often forget what real poverty is. It isn't not having everything you want. There are people in this country who don't have indoor plumbing, who don't have enough to eat. There are people around the world, who live in cardboard boxes, who are grateful to be eating garbage. There are children starving, There are women being raped, murdered, driven from their homes as part of war and genocide in countries around the world, while I sit at my computer, with my TV going, a camera at hand, books to read, a refrigerator full of food, the right to vote. I'm so RICH.

I'd still like to win Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, give my nieces and nephew a cut, buy houses for a few people, pay off some mortgages for others. I'd fix my kitchen up and put a washer/dryer in it where I could easily do my laundry. I'd close in my back porch (but with lots of glass for good picture taking). I'd solarize my house and my neighbors' too if they wanted it. I'd get my new TV, pay for Dan and my friend E. to go to college.... I don't think I'd buy a big fancy house, though. I like my little house. I'm happy here.

Ok... I've wandered off the gratitude path, haven't I? Sorry.

Oh... one other thing/person I wanted to give gratitude for. In Australia, there's a healer named Dennis F. Puffett whose website is called the Healing Haven. He's in his 80s, I think and he looks like Santa Claus. If you drop an email ( here are the instructions) to him asking for healing he will send it... and you will know that he has done so. He's really gifted and he works for free. I've been feeling extra creaky and feeble the last week or so and it finally dawned on me to do what I keep recommending to others. Write to Dennis P. I'm not running marathons and my gums are still sore, but my knees don't hurt anything like they did and I'm feeling a touch steadier on my feet. Dennis P. has a page that beams instant healing too that you can just go to each day. I'm grateful for that and hope I can get myself in the habit of remembering to visit. I can't say enough good things about Mr. Puffett. He's good, he's no fuss no muss, he's free... you have nothing to lose by writing to him except some pain.

Oh... one last thing. I'm grateful to Dianne at Forks off the Moment, whose blog is always a good and entertaining read, for saying kind things about me yesterday and giving me something called the Marie Antoinette award. It's pretty. I always think of Marie Antoinette as the "let them eat cake" lady. But this is apparently an award for speaking truth, something which I think is sacred, so I was very honored to be so honored. Let me repeat what I've said before. I really am/was grateful for all the nice awards people gave me that I didn't pick up or quite acknowledge properly, but I'm really grateful that everyone has been kind enough to stop giving me awards. (Marie Antoinette is an exception... I don't think she has any rules attached to her and I love her dress.)



And now you can all be grateful that this post has come to an end. And I can be grateful that the sun has just beamed out from behind the clouds. Ah...

Ruby Tuesday, Gratitude, Day 18

I thought I'd combine Ruby Tuesday ( hosted by Mary/ the Teach at Work of the Poet) with my gratitude post for today. My images are sort of a hodge podge of things, most have some red, but not all. Some I'm just grateful to have gotten to take. I missed the message about Thanksgiving, but am grateful to say that even though this post isn't about Thanksgiving, it IS about thanks giving. (Did I say that?)

Of course I'm grateful for memes like Ruby Tuesday and Wordless Wednesday, the Color Projects and others. I've met so many interesting people through them and seen zillions of wonderful photographs.


I'm so grateful that yesterday the sun, some squirrels and birds all showed up at the same time and I had a nice session at the back door. I'm always grateful when there are things to take pictures of... and just wonderful birds and critters to watch.

The first three photos below are some last remnants of nature's reds that I took yesterday along with the red squirrel. Thanks to my neighbors' new practice of putting crumbs in my yard (Shannon did it yesterday and put them closer to the house which was extra cool), the squirrels came quite close and posed nicely for me. That little red guy moves SO fast. I wish I had a tenth of his energy. I'd be moving like the wind. Of course at one point one of the gray ones came right up onto the porch, looked at me with his mouth full of muffin, and sat there giving me some of the most wonderful poses - just as Angel decided she couldn't live without sitting on my lap. Such is life. Do you think they communicate telepathically... ("Hey... know what would drive her crazy?")















These next two photos are from September. I got sidetracked into politics world so I stopped posting many photos or visiting other blogs and just became obsessively insane. Angel and Tara Grace do help keep me grounded... sort of anyway. I'm grateful for Angel's aggravating, charming, eternal curiosity... and for the fact that so far I have managed to get to most of what she would destroy before she gets a chance to do so. She is awesomely creative, though. She and Tara Grace have both adopted my little bean bags as cat toys. Isn't everything a cat toy in the end?



Also from September, I did finally unbox the new pots and pans a week or so after they arrived and left them sitting there in the corner for a month or so because I didn't want to ruin them by using them. I finally broke down last week and oh, my but they are wonderful! No stick pans which actually live up to the claim. Too cool.


I was so excited and grateful yesterday to catch the bird show below. I'm sharing it here because I'm hoping maybe someone out there can identify the birds. They look sort of grackle-like to me, but I think they are too big. That tree is in my neighbor's yard. They filled it and another one up like decorations on a Christmas tree. It was awesome and delightful. If you click on the pictures you can see them larger.

Have a grand and joy-filled Tuesday - Ruby or otherwise.
.

Wordzzle Alert/Update

(Please scroll down for today's Daily Gratitude.)


Akelamalu at Everything and Nothing has pointed out to me that she thinks some or all of the words I posted for next week's Saturday Wordzzle Challenge are repeats, so...... I kind of think she's right but my brain has gone on vacation and doesn't feel like trying to prove it. Still, I think even though this may lead to some amount of chaos, I think I'm going to replace them. If anyone wants to use the ones I posted on Friday, I'm fine with that too.

Here is an alternative set of words for next week:

Ten words: pipe organ, ravages of time, lottery tickets, angelic music, five x five, boxes of books, flattery will get you nowhere, yodelling, pig tails, knitting needles

Mini challenge: canary yellow, grizzly bear, out of the frying pan into the fire, simpleton, Ministry of Crazy Walks

Thanks for pointing out my error Akelamalu.

Gratitude, Day 17

Monday morning finds me a touch cranky but still with much to be grateful for.

As I'm typing this the sun is going in and out behind the clouds. I'm glad it's showings face a bit so I at least know it's there. It has been hiding for a few days now and I miss it.

No sooner did I sit down at my desk this morning than my phone rang. It was an automated call from the government saying that I hadn't filled out a form (yes I did) and that I needed to call 1-800-772-1213. There was no offer to repeat this message. The computer voice dropped this bomb, reeled the number off faster than I could hear it and fled. So I had to search for the number and then maneuver my way past the computerized dragon at the Social Security's gate. I think they just try to wear you down so you'll give up. Anyway, I'm grateful that I was able to get past all the "you can do it on line" or "I'm automated but I'm sure I can help you," or "we serve 50 million people and we really don't want to talk to you if we don't have to" messages and found my way to a person who in fact agreed with me that I had filled out the form. All is well with the world again. She was very nice, though, and I'm grateful for that and that there was actually no real problem.

I'm also very grateful that my nephew did make it yesterday for a second visit. We had a very great visit. Angel got to play a lot and was very happy. Tara Grace got extra crunchies. She was kind of snotty and anti-social but Angel made up for Tara's lack of graciousness. Even though Matt had a six hour drive ahead of him to get home, he made the effort to come visit and stayed for an hour or so. I feel so blessed. I have missed that connection to him these past years.

And Nate and Dan came later in the day with a microwave for me. How cool is that... a free microwave!

What else am I grateful for? I'm grateful that the computerized person at Social Security couldn't hear me muttering unkind things about her. I'm grateful that it all worked out with no real problem. I'm grateful that I'm more than half way through having to be publicly grateful every day. (I'm actually enjoying it, but I love complaining.)

And I'm grateful that my fingers are starting to remember a little bit about how to play my keyboard. Life is good. Thank you for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever....

Have a glorious day!

My neighbors left bread crumbs this time...
This little guy took his bounty to high ground.

Gratitude, Day 16

Well, I didn't want to get up as early as I did and as usual, it turns out that I could have stayed in bed a bit longer, but there is still much to be grateful for today.

First, my nephew is still coming. The predicted awful weather hasn't arrived. Of course he's going to be about two or three hours later than I expected. He is his mother's son. I have just enough of my mother in me that I'm surprised. My punishment, I guess, for the fact that I always found it very amusing that she never accepted the fact that my sister never got anywhere on time.

My family - my mother in particular - operated on what I call The Basic Worry System. It's an uncomplicated process. You worry about everything. I always give them random numbers for fun. Using today as an example: Basic worry #885, "you will oversleep or won't get up on time. Basic worry #355... he will be early. (???!!HAH! - but it's on the list anyway... even though the chance of that happening is...well, remote...) This is rapidly followed by Basic worry #600... He will be late.... and basic worry #3000: He won't come at all. Immediately followed by basic worry #40 - the weather is going to be bad and it's unsafe for him to come. Then there are more mundane basic worries like the coffee will stink and the house will make him sneeze and....

So anyway, I just finished messaging with Matt. He's in Hartford. He expects to get here in 2-3 hours which probably means 3-4. I'm grateful that I have a sense of humor and enough self-awareness to counteract the basic worry system with a willingness to just let he day unfold on its own terms.

Another gratitude for today is that Nate and Dan have apparently found a free microwave (they've tested it and know it works) for me and are planning to bring it over at some point. Of course the basic worry system kicks in here too on two fronts. First, will my expected visits intersect? Will they like each other? Alternate basic worry. Will I kill myself or the cats using the microwave? Where will I put it? Will I be able to figure out how to use it.... will there be space for it.... agggghhhhhh! As you can guess, it's not entirely easy being me. I used to have a wonderful poster of a funny looking penguin hanging in my kitchen that said that. It made me laugh. I'm grateful for Instant Messages so that I the basic worry system gets mitigated by communication.

I'm also grateful that the library lady came yesterday and took another 5 boxes of books. Now I need to get myself going and reorganize the shelves. They are not as empty as I thought they'd be.

But what I'm most grateful for today is another visit with my nephew. And right in this instant, I'm grateful that coffee is perked and I can go make myself some breakfast before my guest arrives whenever he gets here. Maybe I'll even get an inspiration for OSI now that I have a little extra time.... maybe....


Have a great day!

Olberman: It's About the Human Heart

(Please scroll down for Gratitude and the Saturday Wordzzle Challenge.)

Olberman has his moments. I think this is one of them. He is talking about Prop 8.

Gratitude, Day 15

just hanging around
(couldn't resist)

It's a rainy Saturday here, but warm. My furnace hasn't rumbled into action once. Always grateful when I don't feel that gas bill rising. I'm also really grateful to live in a house heated with natural gas. Never need to worry about the tank (is that what they call it?) running low or all those things that go with propane and heating oil. Natural gas just keeps coming, no muss, no fuss and I don't have to monitor anything, just pay the bill when it comes. A nice man came by last Spring some time to do some kind of testing. He said they check ever twenty-five (25!) years or so to make sure the pressure is ok. That seemed to me like a bit of a long time between checks, but the house hasn't blown up so I guess they know what they are doing.

Today I'm also grateful that the lady from the school library is coming to pick up the second batch of books. I think I may have overstated how many there are, but she'll get three or four boxes at least. Maybe more. When she's here, I'll look through the shelves again and see if there's anything to add to what I've got set aside already. She told me that the first six boxes have been distributed between two school libraries in Hancock and the Public Library. Makes me feel good that they will be enjoyed by people and not just collect dust on my shelves any more.

My nephew is coming again tomorrow. I'm so happy I'm getting to spend some time with him after such a long spell of not seeing him. Feels wonderful. And he's coming a bit later in the morning so I don't have to worry about over sleeping. Life is good.

And I'm grateful that I have a nice collection of wordzzles to blog hop to and read after I post this. I'm always awed at how creative everyone is. I'm always grateful that no matter how blank my mind is when I start out, I manage to squeeze three exercises out of it every week.

Oh... and I'm grateful that Shannon's Dad (next door neighbor), who knows I like to take pictures out the back door put some bread crumbs and french fries by the stump in the middle of my yard yesterday. The squirrels had a great feast and I had a picture party. It was funny (and a little sad) to watch them burying half of their bounty. If this were a magic world (well it is, but not that kind), I'd have a yard full of french fry trees come Spring. Alas, it was a gray day and my windows need cleaning again so they are not the best quality photos, but the squirrels are cute enough that it doesn't matter.

planting french fry trees

feasting

That's it for today. Happy Saturday.

The Saturday Wordzzle Challenge: Week 39

This is week 39 of the Saturday Wordzzle challenge. Anyone new to the process can refer back here to find out how it works. Sorry for posting this so late. I have now figured out that Shannon likes to visit me on Friday after school, so I need to factor that into my scheduling. I think I had something else to say but I don't remember what it was, so.... happy wordzzling. Looking forward to what you have all wrought.

The words for this week's ten word challenge were: palace, hypocrite, canned air, telephone, biscuit, pinball, acorn, customary, fruit juice, waterfall Mini Challenge: buyer's remorse, lava, haphazard, mildew, soup to nuts

Here's my ten-word offering for this week:

Wondering vaguely what the radio personality meant when he referred to canned air, Ophelia Jones quickly forgot the question as she gazed around her beautiful new home. As was now her customary habit, she sat in her magnificent kitchen with its awesome view of the mountains, nibbling a fresh baked biscuit and drinking newly squeezed fruit juice. Her new house was a palace. Well not a real palace, but enough of a palace to make her happy. This kitchen had everything: an Acorn-shaped telephone, a computer desk/office corner… there was even a waterfall built into one wall… and one outside by the pool as well. The only room she liked better than the kitchen in her amazing mansion, was the game room right next to it which featured a theatre sized screen and seating, a state of the art Nintendo, a pinball machine and a host of other goodies. Ophelia felt like something of a hypocrite as she basked in all this glory, as she had made her money writing about the virtues of poverty versus great wealth. Oh well, she thought. Live and learn.

And here's my mini challenge:

Harold looked around at the house he had bought on the internet. From the mildew on the walls in several rooms to the lava mound just short of the back door, the house was a soup to nuts object of buyer’s remorse. Even the haphazard layout was a nightmare. It’s only virtue – and this was a big one – was that it was in Hawaii and the view (especially if he razed the house) would be worth every penny he had so impulsively spent.

And the mega challenge:

“Gadgets, gadgets, gadgets,” Mildred sang happily as she walked into the 2008 Gadgets, Inventions and New Stuff Exhibition at the Palace Hotel in Las Vegas. Her customary euphoria as she entered the hotel for her annual pilgrimage into the world of cool toys was a song in her heart. Anyone who pretended not to be awed by this magical world of foolish and useful inventions was nothing more than a hypocrite as far as she was concerned. This magical, haphazard, hall of wonders had something for everyone... “soup to nuts, Biscuit” (his nickname for her) Charlie had liked to say. She had met him right here 40 years ago looking at lava lamps which had been one of the big sellers at that year’s convention. It had been love at first sight and they had taken advantage of Vegas’ wedding chapels, married and lived in unmarred bliss for 40 years. No buyer’s remorse for either of them. And each year they celebrated their anniversary with a return to this shoppers wonderland. They had found their first canned air canister here and had bought a one of those tiny telephones – what were they called? – cell telephones – before anyone else had one. Friends had laughed at them but their antique cell was now a collector’s item. For their 25^th anniversary they had splurged on a gadget that circulated water in a kind of waterfall right in the wall of the house. That was one of her favorites, along with the machine that converted ordinary fruit juice into some very fine tasting alcohol. Their most pragmatic purchase was an incredible mildew remover made out of a blend of acorns and an assortment of other ingredients. It worked like magic. Besides the fact that they lived eternally mildew-free, they had bought stock in that one and it had paid off handsomely. Last year they had gotten a pinball machine that was computerized to convert to a variety of games and programs. Charlie had loved that game. She had thought about staying home this year, now that Charlie was gone, but she was glad she had changed her mind. There were so many happy memories attached to the exhibition and she could feel Charlie’s presence with her. “Let’s go shopping, honey bun,” she whispered to his unseen presence.

This week's vanity wordzzle used the words: Vortex, lily, ineluctable, pernicious, trout, May Pole

"Ineluctable modality of the visible," James Joyce had written in Ulysses. Sam never quite knew what that meant, but it sounded so beautiful and he felt that in this moment he was living it, wandering into this sweet country village, away from the pernicious smells and sounds of the big city. Here all was greens and browns and blue skies and gentle noises. The town center had a tall May Pole and as he had arrived the previous day, a dozen children garlanded in ribbons and lilies had chanted in a merry circle, their laughter floating like butterflies in the air. He had read of vortexes, where the energy was deep and spiritual. Maybe this was one of them. It was also a good fishing place and he smiled contentedly as he reeled in his third trout for the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Special thanks to Melli and to Chatty for 10 of the challenge words... I added 5 too.

Next Week's Ten Word Challenge will be: moisturizing, pickles, seat belt, flip-flop, Chicago, allergies, doctor, ready or not here I come, computer programmer, dog biscuits

Mini Challenge: gluttony, mercurial, tennis bracelet, anchor, molten

PLEASE NOTE: Akelamalu pointed out that she thinks these words (or some of them) are repeated from a few weeks back. I wasn't sure... they do seem kind of familiar but the making up words front seems like kind of a blur and I think I might have reused some of the donated words from melli and chatty, so..... I made a new list and posted them HERE. Feel free to use whichever set you want to. I'm fine with either one. Hope that's ok with everyone.

Thanks for playing. For those who are new, here are some guidelines to make the process more fun.

Enjoy! See you next week.

DON'T FORGET TO ADD YOUR NAME TO MR. LINKY!!!!!

Gratitude, Day 14

Another gloomy gray day here in Hancock. Today, I'm grateful that I can get up on my own schedule and that my aches are a little less than they were yesterday.

I was lying in bed not getting up this morning and thinking about what I wanted to say for this morning's gratitude. The first thing that came into my head was that I was grateful for having had my sister for as long as I had her. Then, I thought that I was even grateful for my brother... and from there it went to the whole psycho family. Unfortunately most of the old family photos I had scanned some years back were erased by a virus and my scanner died before I could rescan them, so I have just a few photos that will have to do for my family. In the end, even though they were deeply dysfunctional, I'm grateful for the family I grew up in. "It's them what made me who I is," as they say (do they say that? Who are they?) ... good and bad.

My Mother: My mother messed me up pretty badly, but she didn't do it with any malice and for all that she gave me many of my fragilities, she also gave me many of my strengths. Given even what I know about the childhood she endured - and I know too much - that my mother was as sane and balanced as she was is a tribute to her strength of spirit. My mother thought she was homely. I thought she was beautiful. She had a wry sense of humor, a very keen and inquiring mind, and an absolute passion for justice and truth. She was a plain cook, but she was a good one. I think she put the love she couldn't express elsewhere into cooking. She wanted her children to be happy. She wanted us to get along. She wanted to be a good mother. She just sucked at it. She wanted peace at the price of truth. She grew up with such abuse that she thought peace at any price was the answer. For whatever reason my mother projected a lot of stuff onto me. I was the youngest, I guess, and I was deeply empathic. And probably it was the timing of my arrival in her life following the loss of a baby born during the war (WW2) and after the war when she and my father had gone through separate hells and weren't ever able to quite reclaim whatever I imagine they had before he was gone to sea for years. In any case, I adored my mother. She never saw her own beauty and I don't think she ever saw me, but I saw her. Despite her inability to hug or praise, despite her dementia in her last years, there were times when I swear she glowed with light. I wanted her love more than almost anything in the world. And I probably had it even though I didn't feel it. Being human is such a complicated mess. But anyway, much of a hatchet as she took to my psyche, I wouldn't trade her for anyone else.

My Father: My father was a good man and a kind one. He was also an alcoholic. He loved music. He played the mandolin and he and I spent lots of time at the piano. I had a huge repertoire of folk songs under my fingers by the time I was seven or 8. It was all very idyllic except that it wasn't. A big part of my role in the family was to be my father's keeper when he was drunk, which was most of the time. It took me quite a few years in therapy to face the truth that wonderful as our music sessions were, they were also very frightening to me. It was often not my father but some bleary eyed, swaying weird person who sat too close to me on the piano bench and tuned and re-tuned his mandolin over and over and over. But this is a gratitude day. The positives of my father; there were many: He was brilliant. He was an actuary (math genius). He was generous. He literally gave someone the shirt off his back. He was kind to the core. Even drunk, he was never mean or violent. Tasteless and stupid, maybe, truly repulsive, but never mean. He never met a pun he didn't like. I've always said I'm a kernel off the old cob. And he was loyal. He adored my mother and dedicated himself to her in her last years in a way that most men would not have done. He stopped drinking after she got sick. I was the one who confronted him about it. He was very gracious about it, actually. He was ready, I think. But that's a story for another day. When I was very little, my father and I would make up chain stories as part of my bed time ritual. Or he would read to me. One of our favorite poems came from a book of bad poetry (literally). It was written in dialect and was nauseatingly corny. It began: "Da Spring has come, but oh da joy it is too late/da littla boy he no could wait..." My dad and I cried. Silly us.

My sister: Carole was as good a sister as a kid (or and adult) could have asked for. She was 10 years older than me. She was an instinctive mother, I think, and I suspect I got a lot of the mothering I got from her. I probably owe what sanity I have to her love and sister-mothering. As I've written before, my sister introduced me to all kinds of books and music. She read to me, she wrote to me and she encouraged my own writing. She took me to Europe when I was in my 20s! She was generous and funny and everything you could want from a sister. And she left behind three amazing children who I adore and love as though I had given birth to them myself.

My brother: My brother Phil actually led to this post. I thought about how grateful I am to have had my sister. My brother is harder. He and I have been estranged for the past 22 years. When he dies, perhaps I'll write about how and why that came to pass, but while he is still alive, I've chosen not to speak of it in detail. And this post is about gratitude. When I was a little girl, I adored my brother. He was handsome and brilliant. He's a genius... IQ of 162 or something like that. He was funny. He played with me a lot for someone almost 8 years older than me. Sometimes he would turn into a robot named Tobar. Sometimes we would do take-offs on Sky King (ancient TV show) .... Earth Queen and Nickle, I think our characters were... I wore glasses starting at about age 8. Making fun of the TV shows of the 50s, I would whip my glasses off and he'd pronouce. "Why, Miss Jones, you're beautiful." (Like Miss Jones in the movies hadn't been drop-dead gorgeous with the glasses on... ugh. But I digress.) There are darker aspects to even my childhood relationship with my brother, but there were these moments too. And along with my sister's murder, my brother's malevolence and cruelty ultimately pushed me into therapy. That's a gift he gave me. One of the ugly wrapping paper ones. But sometimes those are the best.

I'm not sure I'm sounding very grateful in this post. I'm not doing my family justice. My parents were amazing people. Screwed up as hell, but also amazing. My sister was such a gift in my life. My brother not so much, but still he is part of who I am. We are all shaped by our family relationships and experiences, good and bad. I am who I am because of the best and worst of my family. It's easy (I'm very prone to do this) to focus on the negative impact, but much as these 4 people re-enforced and helped create some of my weaknesses, they also re-enforced, created and nurtured some of my strengths. Truth is that some of my strengths and weaknesses are the same traits used differently.

So today, I am grateful for the people who formed me, for the love and the pain and the wonder of knowing them. Another plug for Dr. Jim here. I'm so grateful I found a therapist who has been able to slowly navigate my pain and confusion about this family of mine. I'm not sure what would have happened to me if I hadn't found him. I don't even like to think about it. So I'm also grateful again for James Mulry, wise and patient demystifyer of family dysfunction. Working with me probably qualifies him for sainthood.

So that's it for today. This is kind of a garbled mess.... but family does that to me.

Have a great day.

Gratitude, Day 13

BRRRRRRR!!!!!

Today I'm grateful for my hideous fuzzy robe that is my winter uniform. I have three of these robes. They are kind of ugly but they were cheap and they are warm. With them and a layer or two underneath them I stay pretty warm in winter. I don't know if it's because I'm a little under the weather or because I'm getting OLD, but I'm having a harder time sticking to 60 degrees this year. I may have to up the ante to 62 or 63. Still, that's pretty good. I have a kind of perverse pride in being able to keep my thermostat so low. Helps that my little house came with so much insulation. Boy am I grateful for that. My "new" (2 years old now!) windows help too. But back to the fuzzy robes. Cheap and very warm and comfortable. The gray one has little stars and hearts on it. I'm not big on patterns and the gray is kind of dull but it's better than the blue one which has some other thing on it that I hate so much I can't even remember what it is... BUT... they are warm and so I'm very very grateful for them.


I'm so grateful for my windows too which are two years old now. When I first moved into this house the windows were very old, small and at a height which made it virtually impossible for me to see out even standing up. I needed help from friends to exchange the screens and storm windows so I only replaced a couple of them and the front door my first year here. I'm so glad I let myself dream a little and I let the window people come to give me an estimate. I assumed when I did so that I wouldn't be able to afford fixing them. But then something wonderful happened. Even though fixing my windows doubled my debt, the window company refinanced my existing debt so that I wound up with new windows and lower monthly payments... plus a view and lower fuel bills. I give thanks every day for these windows. The cats love them and so do I. They even give me contact with my neighbors as they pass by. The man at the top of the hill has severe back problems and though he can walk, mostly he uses one of those mobility chairs. At present my house is not accessible to him, but he always waves when he goes past in his chair or in the car. It's a friendship of sorts made possible by my windows. His wife stops by the window some days with her grandson to visit Angel and to chat. I can take pictures and watch the squirrels and the birds and the world around me. What a profound gift these windows have been for me. And I'm grateful that Angel and Tara get great pleasure from them too.

And I see so many beautiful things out my windows. The photos below aren't very good, but they aren't photo-shopped, either. They were an effort to catch the gorgeous pink skies I see from my window some nights. My camera just can't capture it for real. It's so beautiful and I'm so grateful for that beauty and the the fact that I get to see it and at least try to share it.




Guess that's it for today. Hope you have a splendid day

Gratitude, Day 12

Oh, dear. Not feeling so well this morning. Went to bed early last night only to spend most of it feeling ill, so I didn't get much sleep and have woken up achy, tired and a touch cranky. Angel who I quite literally shrieked at this morning (she was swinging one of the pictures over the sofa with wild enthusiasm and not responding to polite or even loud "no's"), would probably say that cranky is something of an understatement. I have a hint of a headache and I'm chilly and all I really want to do is go back to bed. So much so, in fact, that there's a good chance I'll do that in a little while. So anyway, it's the kind of morning when gratitude isn't just bouncing around my psyche waiting to get out. I'm having to dig a bit. But there's always something there.

At this moment as I type this, the aforementioned naughty Angel is sitting on my hands and kneading and purring and warming my chilly heart and body up. How can I not be grateful for that? How can I not be grateful that she forgives me my grouchy moments and that she loves me. And I'm always grateful when Tara Grace comes by to sit and stare and let me touch her. She has come so far in the past 4 years.

And I live a life where when I wake up feeling like I do this morning, I CAN just go back to bed and try to sleep it off. So I'm grateful for that.

And I'm grateful that it's a gorgeous day outside. The sun is out and there are pretty clouds highlighting the lacework of the winter branches. I'm grateful that I have my wonderful little camera and can just grab it up and take as many pictures as I want. What a gift digital cameras are. I'm grateful that even though I did damage the light sensor stupidly taking pictures of the sun (seemed like a good idea at the time), the camera still works by and large.

Surely this is a day when I'm grateful for my "thank you for everything, I have no complaints whatsoever mantra." It's the days when I don't even begin to mean it that it comes in most handy.

And the Wrap Up....

Jay, at Baily's Buddy posted this and I have shamelessly stolen it. It is just brilliant and too painfully close to the truth for me. I figured I bored you all to tears for months, perhaps you might enjoy this...

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Gratitude, Day 11

Well, today being the second Tuesday of the month is a Schwan's day. I am so grateful for Schwan's. I borrowed the photo two paragraphs below from Schwan's website. Chicken pot pie is my favorite meal... that and egg rolls. They used to have really good quesadillas but they changed them and I don't like them at all any more. Too bad... they were really good. But anyway...

When I first moved to Hancock, I found someone to shop for me for a modest fee every three or 4 weeks. The first person I found was nice enough but very unreliable. Then I discovered Jen who had just moved here with her husband. They were trying to set up a business and were struggling to survive. She did my groceries, helped me with some other chores and she and her husband ended up painting my little house it's lovely green color for a very modest price. In my backwards world, Jen - who was working for me for offensively little money - actually ended up giving me a beautiful set of dishes which I treasure. My world got upgraded from plastic to china by the person buying my groceries for me for almost no money. Eventually, Jen found a real job and one of my friends took over and shopped for me when she could. I was eating vegetarian at the time so I could fit a lot of veggie burgers in the freezer. I supplemented these other things with netgrocer.com, but that's a cumbersome and expensive way to operate.

I had heard of Schwans but had just assumed that they would not come here to the middle of nowhere. Imagine my surprise to discover that they have hundreds of customers in my little town. When I think about it, it makes sense. Our grocery store is overpriced and awful both. But I digress. I'm so grateful that I now have a safe and reliable source of food. I don't need to worry about being an extra burden to my friends. I don't need to worry that the winter weather will leave me starving. Schwan's is like the post office.... neither rain nor hail... Tom arrives every other Tuesday and brings me food. Angel adores him and would run away with him if I let her. Tara also hovers around for attention, which she doesn't do with just anybody.
Maybe in an ideal world, it would be better if I had fresh vegetables every day, but this is the next best thing and it takes a huge worry off my shoulders and the shoulders of my friends. They supplement my Schwan's with Soy Silk and bananas and other treasures from time to time, but they don't need to worry about me or feel responsible in any way for my continued survival.

As a major league, hard core agoraphobic, I am so grateful too for the internet which allows me to keep my cats fed and littered. I buy a bulk order every few months and UPS delivers it to my door. And I love Amazon.com. I keep my eye peeled for good bargains. Last month I got myself a year's supply (maybe longer) of garbage bags at a fantastic price. Now I don't have to worry about running out and even though there was a big price up front, ultimately, it's a great savings. Got some cool organic soup that day too as a break from Schwan's. And they had mouthwash cheaper than drugstore.com. The trick with all these places is to watch for sales and buy enough bulk to get free shipping.

So anyway, Schwan's, Amazon.com, internet shopping in general (done carefully), UPS... all these are such a gift for someone like me. They help me be independent and not burden my friends too much. So today I'm grateful for all those things.

And I'm grateful too for the beauties of the new winter season which is coming upon us. I miss the greens of spring and summer and the vibrant colors of autumn, but there is beauty in winter's starkness too.

Gratitude, Day 10

Well, this one may be backdoor INgratitude, but I'm glad I don't have to get up this early every day. I'm really grateful that I'm going to see my friends Paul and Nancy who I know from New York (though they live in Connecticut), but this will be my third day in a row of getting up like a semi normal person and my mind and body have not adjusted to it yet. Tomorrow is Schwan's Day (every other Tuesday) which means another early rising. What's with this sudden onslaught of morning visitors, huh, God? Trying to tell me something?

I actually believe that it's better for to rise early, but from what I understand most people like me who don't go out, tend to stay up late and sleep late. I know in the early days of my incarceration, back in NYC, it was in part a mechanism for keeping myself in. I could pretend to make plans and then get up too late for it to be practical to do them. Whew! Crisis averted. Now it's just the habit of zoning out at the computer and TV that keeps me up until 2 or 3 most nights so that I get up the next day between 9:30 and 10:00. Lucky me, my cats have given up debating me on this schedule. They have been totally baffled by the past three days of getting up with the rest of the world. (Hah! I just heard from Nancy. Like my nephew on Saturday, they are running about an hour and a half late. I coulda slept!)

But back to gratitude. I'm feeling so blessed by my clean house and my new keyboard. I have forgotten SOOOO much and much to my dismay, while I kept a lot of my folk song books, I apparently gave away my Bach which I really wanted to try. I'm doing so badly at the folk songs that it's probably just as well that I don't have the other. But I'm rambling.

One nice thing about having company is that I get to turn the heat up. I'm so afraid of not being able to afford my bills that I've developed the habit of keeping the thermostat at 60 for as much of the day as I can manage. (More gratitude coming here in between whining.) The generous universe has set my house so that in winter on sunny days, the sun shines right onto me at the desk which makes it much easier to keep the thermostat low. Today, alas is not a Sunny day and I don't think company should have to sit in their coats so I'm splurging on 63 degrees. It feels so nice. Another thing I'm grateful for is that my little house came with (according to the inspector) more insulation than he has ever seen. My house has a metal roof and it's so well insulated that I don't hear it when it rains. That's insulation! With my nice new windows, 60 degrees isn't too bad.. and the cool thing is I'm nicely shaded in the summer and the sun and the house stays pretty cool.

So I'm just rambling waiting for my friends to get here. I'm grateful for this place to ramble. Maybe today I can get my brain around the One Single Impression prompt, but I'm not banking on it. Grateful that anybody reads me. Grateful that I have a place to write. Grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. Grateful for Angel and Tara Grace. Grateful for life.

Grateful for how beautiful this year's fall foliage was. Pretty much gone now except for a few spots of color here and there. And of course for my camera and any cute little creature like this little red squirrel who is willing to pose for me.Anyone with a hankering for more can visit my Picassa album.




Have a wonderful day!

Gratitude, Day 9

I'm grateful for so many things, it's hard to choose what to talk about. How cool is that? I'm grateful for television and for my computer.

The computer I use now was a gift from my niece Diana when my last one died of a virus. Diana has been very good to me. All of my sister's children have been very good to me. She made awesome kids, but she was an awesome woman so it's not surprising. Their father probably had something to do with it too. He just celebrated his 80th birthday. Wow.

I have my friends Nate and Dan (how did I manage before Tara Grace introduced us?) to thank for my current TV. I had a 20 year old TV that had developed some quirks after 5 moves. It had to warm up for 30-40 minutes after you turned it on and then the picture was a bit wonky. The guys got me another one from a neighbor who was moving. It's a little younger than mine was and most importantly it works. I REALLY, REALLY want to get myself (even though I can't afford it) a flat screen next year. I'm hoping the prices will go down enough that I can get myself one. If not, I've still got a splendid working television so I'm good either way. But I could put a flat screen up onto my book case which is a much better location and would free up a lot of space in my living room. I have a 20 inch now. I'd probably get myself a 26 inch. I've been working my way down. Originally I was thinking 32, but my place is small and I don't need anything that big really. I may work my way down another notch from 26 to 22. We'll see. I enjoy dreaming. I'm grateful for the capacity to dream. It hasn't come easy to me. For much of my life I thought wanting things was a crime. I'm grateful that I have learned to let myself have desires. It's fun to want things if you don't take it too seriously but just let yourself enjoy the experience. And sometimes - as it did yesterday with my nephew's amazing gift - the universe finds a way to grant your wish. How cool is that?

I'm grateful that I am learning to allow myself to have happiness. In my family, I often got punished for happiness and success. My mother did this out of fear, my brother out of malice or psychosis. Which reminds me that I am grateful for my therapist, Dr. James Mulry. If you live in NYC and need a therapist, you couldn't do better. I may not be your traditional pictuer of mental health since I never leave my house, but if you had met the fractured, shattered mess who wobbled into his office 20 years ago, you would realize what a genius he is. With his help I learned to feel my pain and to experience real happiness. Wow. Ok, I can't leave my house, but I'm alive here inside of it. There is barely enough gratitude in the world to cover what Jim has meant in my life. I'm grateful too for some of the people that pushed me towards seeking help. I'm grateful that if something as hideous as murder and the loss of a sister can have a gift in it. It was in part in putting together the broken pieces of my heart, that I found myself.

Anyway, there is much to be grateful for in each and every day and in each and every event in life, even the most devastating and cruel. I am grateful that some years back I found the mantra, "thank you for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever." I really am. I'm grateful that this is my blog and that I can be as long winded as I want to and I'm sure you are grateful that I'm now done with this essay.

Have a lovely Sunday.

Well, as usual, I'm being long winded.

Gratitude, Day #8: WOW, What a Day!

(Please scroll down for the Saturday Wordzzle Challenge.)

Well, Day 8 of following Linda's example and giving daily gratitude. Today, was an extraordinary day. My nephew, whom I haven't really seen much over the past 10 years came for a visit. He and his girlfriend were on the way to a wedding and stopped by for a couple of hours. It was just so nice to see him and to meet his lady and see how happy they are. He may come back next week for a longer visit, which would be really an abundance of blessings.

Not only did Matt bring me himself and his girlfriend, he gave me an electronic keyboard. I have so missed having a piano and this is a really awesome keyboard. It has been 8 years since I put my fingers to the keys and I'm rusty, but it felt really nice. This is like the Universe reading my prayers (which I guess it does) and actually answering them. How cool is that?

I didn't ask my my Matt and Marishka permission to post their photos so I won't, but here's my new keyboard. Isn't it pretty?


Oh... and thanks to my friends Nate and Mary in particular, my house looks awesomely clean and pretty.

Oh - and also, thanks to and for all the amazing creative people who participate in Wordzzles every weekend.

Saturday Wordzzle Challenge: Week 38

This is week 38 of the Saturday Wordzzle challenge. Anyone new to the process can refer back here to find out how it works.

Thanks for your patience everyone. Finally posting this at noon. My nephew arrived later than expected to a very clean house (my friends are SO good) we had a WONDERFUL visit. His girlfriend is wonderful and so is he. I wrote my wordzzles very fast and I'm not rereading them so I hope they make sense.

The words for this week's ten word challenge were: France, cold weather, backhoe, light and shadow, Humane society, ambivalent, “Happy Birthday, Sarah Jane,” Martians, Thanksgiving Day Parade, green eyes Mini Challenge: she’ll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, pumpkin pie, yellow jacket, short-changed, life after 50

Here's my ten-word offering for this week:

Happy Birthday, Sarah Jane, Louisa whispered gazing at the beautiful baby girl in her arms. At this moment, holding her brand new daughter in her arms, she couldn’t believe that she had been so ambivalent about her unexpected pregnancy. She wondered if Sarah Jane would grow up to have George’s green eyes. You look like your father little one. So naughty of you to arrive so early while your father is still in France. He’s so excited about you and he wanted to be here when you arrived, but you have beat the cold weather, which is good and this way next year your father can dress you up as a Martian for Halloween. You’ll love your father. He’s a very funny man. He has actually been planning your first Halloween since you were conceived if you can believe it. He loves Halloween that much. He loves life. You chose such a wonderful father. You’re a lucky girl. Your Daddy works for the Humane Society, but he also sometimes does road work and he can drive a back hoe like nobody’s business. And he loves parades. You will have to learn to love them too and you will probably get dragged to New York at some point to see Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade even though you could watch it all snug and warm at home on TV. He’s that crazy. But he’s sensitive too and he has an artist’s eye. That’s how we met. Admiring light and shadow. Isn’t that strange? And now we have you, sweet girl. And you are so beautiful. I was really scared about being a mother, but I think you’re going to make it easy because now that you’re in my arms I feel more love than fear and you’re so beautiful that I just can’t stop smiling except that I’m kind of tired. Welcome home to life. I love you, Sarah Jane. Happy Birthday.

And here's my mini challenge:

Life after 50 was turning out to be pretty good. She looked at the gathering around the lavish Thanksgiving table and smiled with contentment. Even Francis in his hideous yellow jacket couldn’t take from the beauty of the scene. She might have been short-changed in the realm of blood relatives, but this family of friends was the best anyone could wish for. She smiled at them standing around the piano singing “she’ll be comin round the mountain.” Martha couldn’t carry a tune but she sang with such joy that it didn’t matter. This was as good as a life could get. Anyone want pumpkin pie, she called out and was greeted with a chorus of happy “yeses.”

And the mega challenge:

Sarah Jane thought she might as well be living with Martians for all she had in common with her family. She and her brothers and sisters were as different as light and shadow. She loved France, French cooking, designer clothing. Her brother lived to drive his backhoe and do construction work. Her sister, who God had granted the gift of gorgeous green eyes and a body to die for, had no style and insisted on wearing blue jeans and that hideous yellow jacket everywhere, no matter what the occasion, year round, cold weather or warm. And she worked for the Humane Society of all things. It was so pedestrian and new age of her. Sarah Jane had been short-changed by fate. There the family stood, circled around the piano singing stupid songs like “She’ll be comin round the mountain when she comes,” completely oblivious to her suffering. She had been ambivalent about coming this year, and was feeling unseen and unloved. She could not believe that she would have to endure the stupid Thanksgiving Day Parade tomorrow on top of everything else. But then, just as she was working herself into a full depressive snit, out came her mother, carrying a huge pumpkin pie with a huge birthday candle glowing in its center. Happy Birthday, Sarah Jane, they all called out in unison and as if by magic a huge pile of gifts appeared as if from nowhere. Tears welled up in Sarah Jane’s eyes and she felt her heart bursting with love. They hadn’t forgotten after all. Perhaps her life wasn’t over after all. Perhaps there was life after 50. I love you all so much, she wept, completely forgetting her recent pity party. They had even remembered that her favorite was Pumpkin pie. How blessed could a woman be. It was a happy birthday indeed.

This week's vanity wordzzle used the words: snowdrop, palate, boomerang, soft, mushroom, tongue, belt, oblique, fortuitous, lounge

Rich tastes of mushroom and spices and gravy and tender meat rolled across her tongue and boomeranged off her soft palate, caressing her taste buds, but more than that, touching something deeper in her being. This meal had not been casually prepared, nor was it just some fortuitous mix of fine ingredients well prepared. It was a work of art, a work of divine inspiration. She cast an oblique, sidelong glance at Antonio. He seemed such a puffed up buffoon as he lounged idly across the loveseat, his overly simple clothes adorned only by the huge and ornate belt buckle, the little white kitten which he called SnowDrop nestled in his arms. She wanted to detest him - the arrogant fool - yet each bite of this glorious meal dragged her deeper under his spell, and by the time she had sipped the last drop of her coffee, she knew that she would follow him anywhere.

Special thanks to Melli for next week’s 10 word challenge and to Chatty for the mini challenge words.

Next Week's Ten Word Challenge will be: palace, hypocrite, canned air, telephone, biscuit, pinball, acorn, customary, fruit juice, waterfall

Mini Challenge: buyer's remorse, lava, haphazard, mildew, soup to nuts

Thanks for playing. For those who are new, here are some guidelines to make the process more fun.

Enjoy! See you next week.

DON'T FORGET TO ADD YOUR NAME TO MR. LINKY!!!!!

Gratitude Day #7

Tonight I'm very tired but I'm grateful that my kind friends have been making a great effort to help me clean my house in preparation for a visit from my nephew on Saturday morning. He's very allergic to cats so besides wanting to make the place look a little less like it's just been burglarized than it usually does, I wanted it as free of cat fur as possible for a house with two cats and a disabled owner. It's looking quite spiffy already. We're going to put the finishing touches on tomorrow and hopefully I'll wake up in plenty of time on Saturday morning. They're arriving between 8:00 and 9:00 am!! Yikes.

So anyway, I'm grateful to have some things cleaned up that I couldn't do for myself and some that I finally got motivated to do for myself and that it will be as fur-free as possible for the royal visit on Saturday morning. Life is pretty darned good. It's not quite ready for photos yet, but maybe I'll add some tomorrow. Tonight I'm too pooped.

Oh - special thanks to Mary, who came and helped with Halloween, who spent her afternoon (Thursday) working very hard, and is returning tomorrow to finish up. That's big time generosity.

Late morning post script: It's going to be a very short visit - only an hour or two - they are passing through on the way to someone's wedding. I was able to get hold of something called Mullein Leaf Tea which I highly recommend if you have anyone allergic like this come to visit. I've used it before and people who usually have a very hard time do quite well. With the tea and reiki, I think he'll be ok for the short time he's here. I think the cats - who are already working on messing it up again - actually kind of like having it clean. It gives them a blank canvass to work on.

Dona Nobis Pacem

It's blog blast for peace day, a day created by Mimi at Mimi Writes - when twice each year bloggers all across the internet and all across the world create a cyber prayer for peace.

I think the American public made a prayer for peace on Tuesday when we elected Barack Obama and I'm happy that this time as I blog for peace I feel like our prayers are flowing with the tide rather than against it.... I don't quite like that analogy. Maybe this is better. I have felt for so long like here in my country we were caught in a vortex of darkness, led by a pathetic man who was/is venal and greedy and probably something of a puppet to darker forces of this world. Today as I write this I feel like a great cloud is lifting. I love and admire Mr. Obama. I know he wants to prosecute the war in Afghanistan and that troubles me though perhaps it is a wise goal. War never seems like a good idea to me no matter the cause, but maybe controlled violence in the interest of stopping uncontrolled violence is a necessary evil. I don't know. I know we have a better chance of peace with a man who sees other human beings wherever he looks, who isn't so eager to demonize those he disagrees with that there is no hope for a meeting of the minds. I know we have a better chance of peace when we relate human to human instead of ideology to ideology. It's easier to hate a faceless "them," than a him or her whose eyes you look into, whose pain you see.

I was deeply distressed by the ugliness of the campaign that Mr. McCain and Mrs. Palin waged. Glad too, in a way, because I think it may have cost them the election. That makes me happy not just because my guy won, but because it says that some part of our consciousness has awakened to the truth that hate erodes us. My country has been like a blind amnesiac in a mine field for the last 8 years, unsure of who we were and afraid to move in any direction. We allowed ourselves to be guided by voices of deceit that led us not out of, but deeper into danger. Like a character in one of the soap operas I'm sorry to admit I watch, who as rewritten the history of the beautiful amnesiac in his care to suit his own purposes, Bush, Cheney and their commitee of thugs, took advantage of our shock and confusion after 9/11. And we let them. We went against our hearts. We went against our spirit. Like a sleep-walking giant we trampled on a lot of lives in our own nation and abroad.

Now we are waking up. Already, our eyes are seeing light again and our spirits are rising. I know this is melodramatic of me, but I feel like Mother Earth herself has breathed a sigh of relief. And I think maybe there are Angels dancing somewhere. Peace feels possible. All kinds of peace. It seems possible that the poor may have some hope again. It seems possible that those struggling with illness may now have access to treatment without choosing between food and care, or a home and medication. It seems possible that affordable energy that will not take from the earth and will provide employment for many who need work may be with in our grasp. It seems possible that in the greater world people may be willing to sit down and negotiate instead of killing each other. It seems possible that we will begin listening to our better natures and that in so doing we will lead by example and inspire others to do the same.

I have long found it devastating that those in positions of power have used the acts of small numbers of troubled people as an excuse to ravage the lives of others, as an excuse to turn away from peace treaties, as an excuse to justify hate and the thing-if-ication of their fellow humans. I believe that thoughts have power and that we draw to ourselves that which we put our attention to. I try to focus on the positive, on beauty and the light. Being as fallable as I am, it hasn't always been easy when the so-called heart of power in my nation seemed bent on greed and war. Still, something in us - and in the world at large - must have shifted. We have drawn a man of peace into a position of power on the international stage. Our better angels have sung and I have to believe that their voices are only going to get louder in the coming days. I hope so. My new president elect gives me hope. Things like the blog blast for peace give me hope.

I couldn't find a vocal version of this song that pleased me so I went with this one. not quite angels, but...

Please check out the hundreds of other blogs posting for peace.

Dona Nobis Pacem

Here's a sing-along Dona Nobis Pacem for anyone who likes to sing.

One last thing: My gratitude for day #6: Well, I"m grateful for the blog blast for peace and for all the voices in this world that speak for, sing for, write for, pray for and live their lives in a spirit of peace.

P.S. A number of people have commented about the angel on my globe so I thought I'd add her story. She was a gift from a friend of mine on the 20th anniversary of my older sister's murder. Her wings read: "Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy." I wanted to include her as sort of a secret tribute to my sister.

Gratitude Day #5

I decided to join Linda in a month of gratitude posts. I actually start and end my days with gratitude but it's kind of interesting and different to put things in writing.

Well, of course, I'm grateful that Barack Obama is president-elect, that this election is behind us and what feels to me like a more hopeful future lies ahead. I'm grateful that I live in a country where in the course of a very short span of time we could move the culture of our nation from one where we held black people as slaves to electing a black man as president. That is pretty awesome. We are a flawed nation (like all the others), but we are also a great nation. We lost our way for a while but I think we are on the road to not just an economic recovery - that's the least important aspect of the future - but a spiritual recovery. We have reclaimed our integrity.

In a smaller way, I'm grateful that I got one person I know to register for the first time in his life and to vote. I'm grateful that I got to hear the excitement in his voice that he had been part of something amazing and world changing. That was pretty cool.

I'm grateful for the bloggers (I won't list names because I'll forget someone and then I'll feel bad) who participated in discussion and debate over the past months. I'm even grateful for the people who disagreed with me but were willing to converse.

And I'm grateful to friends of mine and strangers who did what I can't do - who worked at the polling places, who campaigned and rang door bells and held gatherings in their homes, who did the leg work that got people interested and excited, who got people registered, who drove those who needed help to the polls.

I'm grateful that I live in a country where we have elections, where we have two parties. I think maybe we need to add some additional competition into that mix but that's a topic for another day.

One last think I'm grateful for. Eloquence. Some effort has been made to diminish Mr. Obama's eloquence as though eloquence is some kind of sham thing. Eloquence like Mr. Obama's, like Abraham Lincoln's, like Martin Luther King's... and like Mr. Obama's are powerful because they are eloquent not from the mouth, but from the heart. The power of Mr. Obama's speeches is not the words alone, but the brilliant mind and the heart that lies behind them. Mr. Obama is a man of peace to and from his core... and I mean peace in it's broadest sense, not just in the sense of ending wars, but in the sense of living from a place of love over hate. To quote him... he is a man who knows how "to disagree without being disagreeable." So I am grateful that he has the eloquence of words to reflect the eloquence of heart. I think he will be a healer for the nation and the world. That's a lot to put on one man's shoulders, but I think he can handle it.

And I've waxed wordy for long enough. You can now be grateful that I'm going to stop writing and post this.

One last thing. Tomorrow is the Blog Blast for Peace where bloggers from all over the world post under the banner of Dona Nobis Pacem. I hope you will all participate. Click on the banner below to find out more.

YIPPEEE!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT!!!

I believe he will be all that we hope for and that he will surprise even those who opposed him. I feel more hope for the future than I have in a long time and I feel great pride in my country.

Gratitude #1-4

Beside myself with fear and hope
My hair and nerves are frayed
Will good or evil triumph?
Will history be made?
I'm hopeful - oh, so hopeful!
But still there is much dread
I hope for a new president
Decent, brilliant, kind
I'm hoping to feel good again
About this land I love
To know that law and honor
Are not just words but truths
But let me wait to say much more
Until results are in
And hope my nerves can take it
While waiting for results
I know not all agree with me
But I know where MY hope lies
Barack Obama's dignity
His gentle, steady course
Untainted by divisiveness
Or ugly slanders thrown
Is who I want to lead my land
From the pain and shame it's in
I hope he gets elected
And a new day can begin.

Ok. That's not a very good poem. I wrote it really fast and I'm a little freaked out by the whole election thing and I haven't been able to focus much on anything that requires functional brain cell firing, so I've just spent the day playing dumb games and eating. I am feeling a little better now that the Pennsylvania and Ohio results are in, but my brain is still not quite functioning. I don't want it to be even close. It will be what it will be, I guess. But anyway....

Linda, over at These are the Days, mentioned that she's going to try to post something she's grateful for every day in November and I said I'd try to join in... and then promptly did nothing. So, today being the 4th day of the month here are 4 things I'm grateful for and I'll try to post another one or two each day for the rest of the month to keep Linda company.


#1. One of the things I give thanks for almost every day is the abundance of running water available to me. I know some states in the US have more fragile water systems, but my state - (and the US as a whole) - is remarkably lucky. What a blessing to turn on the tap and have water to drink, to take a wonderful hot shower or bath... to have indoor plumbing. Pretty wonderful blessing.



#2. Of course I'm so grateful for my home. It never occurred to me that I'd ever have a house... never occurred to me to even want one... and then out of a series of awful things that happened to me, I wound up with (with the help of my amazing niece Diana and the State of New York) with a HOME OF MY OWN. How cool is that. And it's a sweet little house with kind neighbors.



#3. My nieces and my nephew (and their children and significant others)... and an surprising number of friends both of the flesh and blood and cyber variety. For a person who hasn't set foot out the door for two years, my life is remarkably full of kind and funny and intelligent and generally delightful people from all over the world. And of course my 4-legged family counts in here too. They keep me amused, annoyed, loved and reasonably happy. Going with the 4-legged on pictures here... it's easier and there are only two of them.



#4. My computer and my blog and all the new people and ideas that have come come to me through this medium.

More tomorrow. I'm hoping that tomorrow I can give thanks for the first black president of the United States. If not, I can still be grateful that he came as far as he did. But I won't get ahead of myself. That's it for today.

One Single Impression: Disguise

This week's prompt for One Single Impression was "disguise." For some reason except for the last one, this week's poems are kind of dark. The first three come from the days of my youth. Don't think I have every published any of them before and I probably should have left it that way, but.... for better or worse, I'm going to share them. Guess that's it by way of apologies. Can't help myself.