Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Just Some Pictures

I actually started this post yesterday but couldn't quite get myself to finish it. I started it out saying I had a lot to say but wasn't ready to say it and then wrote a bunch of junk that I have now deleted because I'm really NOT ready. I have a lot to process about my brother. Things I thought I had dealt with. I'm not really grieving for him. Well, I probably am on some level. I'm mostly grieving for myself and the things he did to me and that I let him do them and that I protected him even up to the end. All these wonderful changes are in progress in my life. "New" furniture from my friends, a new kitchen and bathroom and front entrance... and I'm struggling against the pull of anger and negativity and agonizing old hurts. I want to keep my attention on the good, but I know I will have to write about Phil, about incest and emotional abuse and cruelty to myself and others. I want to find a way to do so which will have meaning and not just be a spewing of pain. I'm not ready to do that yet. I want to, but I'm not ready.

So instead, here are some pictures. See you at Wordzzles, I hope.


Nessa said...

I am always amazed at the variety of birds you capture.

For me, abuse created an anger at myself for not doing more to protect myself. It is an unreasonable anger but it is there, none the less. I have forgiven many people but find it hardest to forgive myself. It is the last piece of the puzzle.

San said...

Cut yourself some slack, Raven. You have a lot to process and it's going to take time. Burn sage. Pray. Take it easy.

You live in such a beautiful spot. The good spirits of the earth are right beside you.

quilly said...

Raven, when you finally sit down and write out the pain and the rage and the horror, be sure to include the strength of spirit it took to endure such things, and the courage it took to break away and forge a new life. You seem to be living the blame for someone else's actions, and not celebrating your own accomplishment in forging ahead to find a better way of life.

Swetha said...

gr8 shots..

Hildegarde said...

Take your time, Raven, and birds and flowers do bring comfort and positivism, they soften the difficult and hard things in our life. Take care !

Janie B said...

Let go and let it flow, Raven. You will feel so much better. Breathe deeply and feel love all around you.

Carletta said...

I second Nessa - the variety of your bird shots is amazing and I love these. You got some great shots with the sunlight.
Is that the old tree stump covered in vegetation?
Raven, when you are ready to let out all that's inside I'll be here with an ear to listen and cyber hugs for as long as you need.

Felisol said...

Dear Raven,
I find myself lost for god words.
I hurt with you.
There's a time for everything, also for healing.
I pray that your time has come now!
From Felisol

CJ said...

Raven ---I think you are ready to write it all down, although, perhaps, not to share it with others. I don't know how old you were when all the bad things happened, but I am guessing you were not yet an adult through some of it. Although you probably see absolutely nothing positive in painful events, you need to look for them. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

“Anyone who survived childhood has enough material to write for the rest of his or her life.” ----Flannery O’Connor

I have a friend who grew up in Northern Ireland during the bombings and conflicts between Catholic and Protestant factions. It was a scary time when friends and relatives were killed or maimed. He became a song writer using the events to write powerful lyrics. After many years of struggle, he and his wife did well financially. Once I asked if he had written anything lately. He told me "It's hard to write about strife and tribulation when you're floating in your own in-ground pool." He needed those awful experiences for his creative juices to flow.

You can use your pain as a tool. It won't go away, but writing might release some of it. I believe that when you share your pain, you divide it.

Write, write, write! For yourself now. To share later.