Daily Reminder # 61

My friend E, for whom the daily reminders were created , is grieving. E is one of the gentlest, tenderest Souls I have ever met or known. We are sisters of a sort, though I think that perhaps in another life I was her mother. I feel very protective of her, though I can't do much to act on that instinct. In any case, E rescues animals. Probably they rescue her too, but that's a story for another day. Animals find her, especially the deeply wounded. They feel her passionate compassion and are drawn to her. I know we don't usually (well I don't) think of passion and compassion in the same space, but E links them and humans and 4-leggeds feel it. They know instinctively that she is a safe place. The trouble is that the deeply wounded don't always have lives that are as long as animals born into loving homes. This is hard for E to bear. One of her rescues died yesterday. A ferral cat named Wookie who had come a long way from where he started. His death was unexpected. E doesn't like death. She takes it personally. So I ask anyone that reads this, to hold her - and because she would ask it - to hold Wookie's spirit - in your hearts.

Like the animals she rescues, E grew up with physical and emotional violence. That she came through her childhood with a sense of humor and such a magnificent capacity for kindness speaks to the resilience of the human Spirit and to the primal goodness of my sister/friend. I wish I knew how to soothe her grief. But that is her journey and she is working through it.

Today is E's sober anniversary. She has not had an easy life and her current situation, even without Wookie's sudden death, is - to put it mildly - difficult. But she is still sober. She is awesome. Happy Sober Birthday, E! (hope I got the date right).

When E wrote to me about Wookie, she said she was mad at God. I decided that maybe I'd share the following very long poem in hopes that somewhere in it, she would find something to help. One of the best things about God is that He/She/It can take pissed off humans in His/Her/It's stride.

WOE IS ME

Sometimes I am so tired of my journey

So tired of the terror that seems to own me

So tired of looking for the face of the enemy

And seeing only darkness

So tired of shaking and shaking

And gasping for breath

Of feeling like something is out there

Waiting to kill me

Not knowing who or what it is

Tired of having my body go rigid

My mind go numb

So tired of being so alone with it

Of wanting people to understand

Knowing that they can't

Because even I don't understand

Because I am ashamed

And at the same time proud

Of this secret courage

To have lived and loved and strived

With this horror ticking inside me

Ashamed that now it seems to have the upper hand

And I live exiled behind a force-field of power

That no one else can see or feel

Ashamed that I can't draw it's face

And cry, "See! See! There it is! Do you feel it?"

"Now do you understand?"

I am so tired of this war

Of this lonely existence fighting shadows

That are so real despite their lack of substance

That they leave me warn and drawn and lost

I want to give it all to you, God

I hereby do so, except I don't quite know how

But I give you my desire to give it to you

I give you my desire to be free

To live and laugh and let my soul come out to play

I ask your help, God,

Because I don't seem to be getting very far on my own

Or even with your help which I keep asking for

And which I even think I'm getting

But even so, God, I'm so damned tired

And even with all the help I get, I still feel so alone

So I give you also my tiredness and my loneliness

And my hope

I give you the dreams

Which are all locked up inside the cage of my fear

I want my dreams, God

I want to feel a sense of purpose

I want to be alive

I want to slay my fear

To let my rage fly out and strike the source

And not be held inside anymore, eating at me

I want to be able to feel it and let it be ok

Those bastards raped a baby, God,

A little girl who didn't understand

They did such things to me

And still I feel more bewildered than angry, God

Somehow, I still seem to think it was my fault, I guess

I don't know

I don't know why I can't get outside it

And put it's ugliness to rest, my pain to rest

I ask your help, God, because I'm tired

I've been working so hard

And still they won't give me up

Or maybe I won't give them up

I don't know

So I give them up to you, God,

Right here, right now

Please take them, God

Please take from me that which holds on

Because I think that if I let go, I won't exist anymore

Because maybe I think that's all I am

Or maybe because if I keep holding on

I can still pretend that it's not true,

That it didn't happen

I can pretend that my parents took care of me

That they loved me so much they'd have felt my pain

I can pretend I felt wanted and safe

And this is just an aberration,

A nightmare from which I'll soon wake up.

I give you my confusion, too, God.

I give you my illusions about my mother

I give you the needs I learned not to have

The feelings I put to death

I give you my loneliness, God

I give you my needs and wants and desires

And I ask you to give them back to me

To let me have them and live and breathe and feel them

I give you my denial, God

And I ask you to help me face the truth

There's probably more, God, but that's enough for now

I give you my heart, too. I think it's broken

Can you please fix it?

Thank you, God, for listening, if for nothing else.

- Katherine E. Rabenau

Some things I'm grateful for today:

• my friend E
• Angel and Tara Grace who came to me through E
• E's sober birthday
• my faith that life and death are a continuum
• water for drinking and bathing
• Dr. Bronner's liquid soap
• love - in all its forms

Angel and Tara Grace sent love and purrs to

their Auntie E and wish her

a Happy Sober Anniversary

They wish everyone else (as do I) a wonderful day.