Thursday, July 29, 2010

Daily Reminder # 61

My friend E, for whom the daily reminders were created , is grieving. E is one of the gentlest, tenderest Souls I have ever met or known. We are sisters of a sort, though I think that perhaps in another life I was her mother. I feel very protective of her, though I can't do much to act on that instinct. In any case, E rescues animals. Probably they rescue her too, but that's a story for another day. Animals find her, especially the deeply wounded. They feel her passionate compassion and are drawn to her. I know we don't usually (well I don't) think of passion and compassion in the same space, but E links them and humans and 4-leggeds feel it. They know instinctively that she is a safe place. The trouble is that the deeply wounded don't always have lives that are as long as animals born into loving homes. This is hard for E to bear. One of her rescues died yesterday. A ferral cat named Wookie who had come a long way from where he started. His death was unexpected. E doesn't like death. She takes it personally. So I ask anyone that reads this, to hold her - and because she would ask it - to hold Wookie's spirit - in your hearts.

Like the animals she rescues, E grew up with physical and emotional violence. That she came through her childhood with a sense of humor and such a magnificent capacity for kindness speaks to the resilience of the human Spirit and to the primal goodness of my sister/friend. I wish I knew how to soothe her grief. But that is her journey and she is working through it.

Today is E's sober anniversary. She has not had an easy life and her current situation, even without Wookie's sudden death, is - to put it mildly - difficult. But she is still sober. She is awesome. Happy Sober Birthday, E! (hope I got the date right).

When E wrote to me about Wookie, she said she was mad at God. I decided that maybe I'd share the following very long poem in hopes that somewhere in it, she would find something to help. One of the best things about God is that He/She/It can take pissed off humans in His/Her/It's stride.


Sometimes I am so tired of my journey
So tired of the terror that seems to own me
So tired of looking for the face of the enemy
And seeing only darkness
So tired of shaking and shaking
And gasping for breath
Of feeling like something is out there
Waiting to kill me
Not knowing who or what it is
Tired of having my body go rigid
My mind go numb
So tired of being so alone with it
Of wanting people to understand
Knowing that they can't
Because even I don't understand
Because I am ashamed
And at the same time proud
Of this secret courage
To have lived and loved and strived
With this horror ticking inside me
Ashamed that now it seems to have the upper hand
And I live exiled behind a force-field of power
That no one else can see or feel
Ashamed that I can't draw it's face
And cry, "See! See! There it is! Do you feel it?"
"Now do you understand?"
I am so tired of this war
Of this lonely existence fighting shadows
That are so real despite their lack of substance
That they leave me warn and drawn and lost
I want to give it all to you, God
I hereby do so, except I don't quite know how
But I give you my desire to give it to you
I give you my desire to be free
To live and laugh and let my soul come out to play
I ask your help, God,
Because I don't seem to be getting very far on my own
Or even with your help which I keep asking for
And which I even think I'm getting
But even so, God, I'm so damned tired
And even with all the help I get, I still feel so alone
So I give you also my tiredness and my loneliness
And my hope
I give you the dreams
Which are all locked up inside the cage of my fear
I want my dreams, God
I want to feel a sense of purpose
I want to be alive
I want to slay my fear
To let my rage fly out and strike the source
And not be held inside anymore, eating at me
I want to be able to feel it and let it be ok
Those bastards raped a baby, God,
A little girl who didn't understand
They did such things to me
And still I feel more bewildered than angry, God
Somehow, I still seem to think it was my fault, I guess
I don't know
I don't know why I can't get outside it
And put it's ugliness to rest, my pain to rest
I ask your help, God, because I'm tired
I've been working so hard
And still they won't give me up
Or maybe I won't give them up
I don't know
So I give them up to you, God,
Right here, right now
Please take them, God
Please take from me that which holds on
Because I think that if I let go, I won't exist anymore
Because maybe I think that's all I am
Or maybe because if I keep holding on
I can still pretend that it's not true,
That it didn't happen
I can pretend that my parents took care of me
That they loved me so much they'd have felt my pain
I can pretend I felt wanted and safe
And this is just an aberration,
A nightmare from which I'll soon wake up.
I give you my confusion, too, God.
I give you my illusions about my mother
I give you the needs I learned not to have
The feelings I put to death
I give you my loneliness, God
I give you my needs and wants and desires
And I ask you to give them back to me
To let me have them and live and breathe and feel them
I give you my denial, God
And I ask you to help me face the truth
There's probably more, God, but that's enough for now
I give you my heart, too. I think it's broken
Can you please fix it?
Thank you, God, for listening, if for nothing else.

- Katherine E. Rabenau

Some things I'm grateful for today:

  • my friend E
  • Angel and Tara Grace who came to me through E
  • E's sober birthday
  • my faith that life and death are a continuum
  • water for drinking and bathing
  • Dr. Bronner's liquid soap
  • love - in all its forms

Angel and Tara Grace sent love and purrs to
their Auntie E and wish her
a Happy Sober Anniversary

They wish everyone else (as do I) a wonderful day.


Janie B said...

Nice poem, Raven. I hope E feels better soon and is proud of her accomplishments.

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