Sunday, August 08, 2010

Daily Reminder # 70

If something doesn't feel good, stop doing it. But if you can't, forgive yourself for being human and see if you can find the wound that needs tending.

This reminder is purely for me. It's advice I have been unable to follow in my life, particularly as relates to food. There are foods that I know are bad for me. I don't even enjoy eating them. My body at 63 doesn't tolerate them as well as it used to and it never really liked them. BUT... I crave them. I don't think my body craves them, but something deep inside me craves them and overrides good sense, my wallet, my actual cravings and all reason. I'm not as bad as I used to be. I don't - as I once did - sit and eat a pint of ice cream at a go.

Still, when Margaret comes every other week to go shopping for me... no matter what I tell myself I should do, I almost always wind up getting Fritos or cookies or cake or root beer or .... and I always eat them. Compulsively. There's something I call the "make it go away" syndrome. I know these issues go back to my mother, who made eating a crime I was committing, not something I could enjoy. I don't know why I continue to eat things that I don't enjoy - and that I KNOW I won't enjoy - but I do. No matter what my brain tells me, some little infant or wounded child inside me screams louder than all the reason in the world. And even though I know the root beer will make me feel bloated and unhappy and the Fritos make me sick. I open the bag and start eating. And keep eating.

In short I spend money I don't have buying things I don't enjoy that make me feel both physically and emotionally awful. Go figure. I'd like to change. I'd also like to forgive myself for doing this. Stop being my mother and start being me.

I don't think I've found the uplifting part here. Just the suggestion.

Some things I'm grateful for:

  • woodchucks
  • food
  • mail
  • coffee
  • my camera
  • yogurt
  • TV
  • my body
  • junk food (ok... I also wish it didn't exist, but ...)



Janie B said...

I SO understand this syndrome. As proud as I am of losing another pound or two this week, I stopped at the store yesterday and came home with a bag of sugary snacks. I'm diabetic, for Pete's sake! But, those cravings.... They get you sometimes.

Finding Pam said...

Raven, I think a lot of us can relate to this post. I know I do understand this feeling and it is related to my childhood. Food was my tranquilizer. It helped me stuff down my feelings. Feelings were bad and don't express emotions was how I was raised. Also, eat this it will make you feel better.

I liked the photos.

Argent said...

Have to join in the general consensus here too. I tell myself I won't, shouldn't, can't, but then I DO.

The only thing that has helped me with this is distraction - if I'm caught up in doing something where my hands and brain are busy then I don't crave, but the devil definitely makes work for idle hands... opening bags of chips, cracking open sugary drinks, etc. There's only so much we can each of us cope with in this life. We're not perfect and we have to cut ourselves a bit of slack sometimes.

The Bug said...

Well, all I have to say is "me four!" Your description of your behavior & your mom could have been me & my mom (except that she didn't have a healthy relationship with food either - mostly she was wailing about me AND her).

I don't know if I'll ever overcome this burden - but it's my life's mission!

Anonymous said...

To the person who commented that Fritos makes them sick. They have the same affect on me if I eat more than a couple of handfulls. Let me suggest trying Trader Joe's Organic Corn Chip Dippers that are very much like Fritos and don't at all make me sick to my stomach.