I'm writing today's reminder at 7:30 in the morning, an hour when I am usually curled up snug in my bed. Usually if I am up at this hour there is something to look forward to, some happy anticipation mixed with anxiety. Today it's just dread. The contractors who got the Delaware Opportunities bid are coming back to have a second go at defacing my home. I can't begin to express how totally unhappy I am with what they have done. Shamelessly bad work. Mr. Powell, from Delaware Opportunities is coming too to scold them and make them put it right, but I have my doubts about whether they are capable of such a thing. And they are supposed to upgrade the electric and put my ceiling fan in today. If the quality of what they did elsewhere is a sign, I don't know that I feel safe to have them do that. I'm trying not to be negative, but it's hard, especially because I'm angry, but for me anger turns inward or into anxiety. I was not allowed to be angry. I got punished for it by the collective of angry people who preached at me about what a bad thing it was to be angry and who made me pay for any efforts I made at taking care of myself. Even now, I anticipate these men, who have done horrible sloppy work on my sweet little home, being angry at me, punishing me for the audacity of being unhappy and ungrateful for what they have done. There are voices in my head saying they would have done a better job if I were able to take better care of the house. Really. I am terrified and I'm pissed. I don't want them to set foot in my house again and yet they must. I'm torn between anger and fear and a deep sense of helplessness. Mr. Powell will make sure they correct their mistakes, but he can't still the voices in my head. And neither, apparently, can I. So it goes. Mercifully, it is reasonably cool this morning because the electric will be turned off for who knows how long. Ah, joy.
On a happier note, the new chair arrived and it is sturdy as a rock and comfortable. I'm still getting used to it. It doesn't sit quite as high as the old red one. But I don't have any fear that it will give out under me. That's a good thing. Unboxing it was quite the feat and there's a huge box still sitting in the middle of the room, which of course I am ashamed of, what with people coming and all. But anyway, I got to spend a little time at the back door late in the afternoon. A lot has happened since I last looked out. The tiger lilies are blooming and the hasta bush is getting read to flower. It was a mixed joy to sit there since the new door - besides being filthy - has some issues too and that kind of got more of my attention than the out doors.
Right now, I wish I could just fly away. But I can't. Such is life.
Ok. Instead of just whining about what they did, I'll share some of the very bad photos. I'm so upset I can't even photograph their work in focus....
So, that's some of what they have done to my little house which never harmed nobody and deserves better. They are late. I'm glad. Hopefully Jeff Powell will arrive at the same time they do or before. Angel - maybe because she senses my anxiety - is driving me crazy crawling on the keyboard and being needy and restless. I'll be glad when this day is over. I hope.
Some things I'm grateful for today: (items in red are pre-gratitude, an effort to move the Creative Forces of the Universe to act on my behalf.)
- Angel and Tara Grace
- Jeff Powell
- iced tea
- kitty hugs
- cool air
- fans
- water
- music
- Pandora Radio
- electricity
- my Tibetan salt lamps
- the ability to speak up for myself
- computer games
- my TV
- the remote control
- ear phones
- yogurt
- my camera
- a clothes dryer
- Nintendo
- zero balance on my credit cards
- a sun room on the back of the house
- $5,000/week for life from PCH
- freshly painted living and bedroom walls
- a truckload of money (big bills)
- more flowers in the back yard
- winning lottery numbers
- a Bose sound system
- changing red items to black
- reiki
- angels
- miracles
- the colors of the rainbow
- my rock collection
- my computer
- the internet
- my friends
- my nieces, my nephew and their families
- that they are happy
- my new walker/chair
- my cane
- that I can still hobble around
- my microwave
- sight
- hearing
- taste
- touch
- smell
- anger
- the ability to read and write
- the ability to type
- poetry
- breezes
- my hands
- UPS
- indoor plumbing
- ideas
- inspiration
- flowers
- birds
- grass
- art
- Sam-e
- Vitamin D-3
- IP-6
- Omega-3
- Ibuprofen
- resilience
- hope
- laughter
- beauty
- forgiveness
- love
- compassion
- life
May Life Always Give You Someone
or Something to Make You Smile
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