Sometimes intelligent people think too much.
My friend E, who inspired these daily reminders is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met. Remember that I grew up with an evil genius, so I have met some pretty brainy people. E is brilliant but she doesn't really recognize it and because she grew up in the heart of profound abuse, it's easy for her to let people who have less to offer than she does diminish her worth. Perhaps part of the bond I have with this gentle, kind, talented, brilliant, creative woman is that I have the same impulse to distrust myself and believe whatever bull**** the local bully has pooped in my vicinity... and to disbelieve praise as either pity or delusion on the part of those who see any virtue in me.
I'm hiding out in my house so I don't know if I've evolved or not, but I do believe that the power bullies hold lies within me. My therapist spent years helping me to see that. My brother would phone me and I would spin off into a world of defending myself and feeling accused and beaten down. It probably took at least a year before I didn't feel beaten up by him when he tried to help me see that the real beating was my own self doubt, my own self-recrimination. The power of my brother's words was the accusation I myself was making. I caught the first glimpse of the truth of this absurd notion when I finally made peace with my decision to become estranged from my brother. Before that happened, my weekend visits to my parents felt like a mine-field of disappointment and efforts to get me to see the error of my ways. Once I was clear in my own head, my parents stopped bothering me about it and when they did, it didn't have the same power as before.
I must shamefully admit here that I like watching certain so-called "reality" shows. There are two I watched tonight. One is Next Food Network Star and the other is Design Star. The food one is interesting because of the personalities mostly and was the inspiration for this fuzzy ramble through my brain. The woman eliminated tonight (someone is eliminated each week for those who don't watch reality TV contests), was her own worst enemy. It was clear that she was so anxious about doing well/failing that she operated from insecurity. As a result she didn't function well and said things like "the mushrooms aren't the poisonous kind" to people she was feeding... reassuring in a kind of un-reassuring way. When one of her fellow contestants at the end said "I'm sorry you're going," she replied (and it's a contest, so there's some truth in it), "no you're not." The real contest she lost was the one with herself. Which isn't to say the those stinky, nasty bullies don't also have real-world power. They sure as hell do, but their deepest power to hurt lies in us.
Anyway, this isn't coming out clearly, but what I'm trying to get at is that the power of critics or unkind people to hurt us exists because they tell us things we secretly believe about ourselves and we then do battle with the wrong enemy....
Don't think I've said this right but it's the best I can do at the moment.
Some things I'm grateful for today:
- no more antibiotics for Tara...
- Dennis Puffett & my friend Dan who both sent healing for my foot
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!
TRY NOT TO FEED THE BULLY WITHIN!