Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Daily Reminder # 190 with red touches

Was very surprised to find these little red knobs
on the flowering quince in November!

Tonight's photos are from earlier this week and a couple of weeks ago. I picked them because if I'm feeling energetic tomorrow morning, I may join in on Mary the Teach's Ruby Tuesday and they have teeny tiny rednesses in them... about all the red that is left in my world at the moment.

Meanwhile, I had a good session with my therapist today. He's been trying to fix me for 20 years now and although he has helped me do some amazing repair work on my psyche, there are areas where the lunacy runs deep in my bones and wants to stay stuck there, where I know the things that I believe about myself are crazy with one half of my mind and believe them deeply with the other half. One of these gems is the absolute conviction that I am a greedy, selfish spendthrift. After 6 years of debate, I bought myself my new desk chair. I want a new TV. (You should HEAR what the inner voices - aka the Demonalians - think about that one.)  When Margaret shops for me, I buy cookies and chips. This, when get Food Stamp supplements to help me get by. In my inner world, this is a virtual crime against humanity. (The GOP sees it this way too... you'd think I'd be a Republican.) 

Light seems to have turned these branches red. You can
click on the photo to see it larger if you can't see the red.

In my world, even wanting a new TV, when I have a 200 year old one that takes up half  lots of space and has decent (but not great) picture, is a sign of profane greed. I have debts, I get help with food and heat. How dare I want something as lavish as a flat screen TV (I have found a nice 22" Vizio that's only $179.) And I bought the damned chair. And now my credit card debt seems to be spiraling out of control.  And Christmas is here and I want to do something for my niece's kids and I always like to buy something at the Hunger Site or one of the Greater Good sights, so that I'm giving something to charity in my own small way (every purchase gives at least 25 cups of rice to the hungry of the world).  But anyway, the demons are up in arms because I love giving gifts (and getting them - I won't lie about that) and I can't afford it but I will probably go against credit card sense and do something and then worry myself into a frenzy about having done so and not being able to get the cards paid down. They seem to be rising like a stormy sea right now, even though I don't think I'm buying much more (besides the chair and the walker).  Of course that's another issue. Part of me still thinks like I did when I was working... that you can do something like that once in a while and take care of it. But $200 NOW on my disability stipend - is a huge amount of money. There's not really enough to cover expenses yet I continue to be surprised when my debts grow. Call me crazy. The word fits.

So anyway, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Dr. Jim wants to focus on it for a while and that's probably a really good idea, since I make myself miserable and I've made shifting my relationship to abundance one of my inner work priorities. So.... I was thinking earlier. Maybe I need to figure out a mantra that I tell myself at least once each day.... something like.... You haven't got a greedy bone in your body. Or You are inherently generous or.... I don't know. I'm open to suggestions from others.

Guess I've rambled on enough about this.  If you are still awake, my apologies for being such a bore.

Red or brown? Reddish, anyway....

Some things I'm grateful for today:

  • Dr. Jim
  • my furnace
  • V-8 juice
  • cottage cheese and yogurt
  • this blog
  • my friends
  • a good night's sleep
  • colors
  • vision
  • abundance
  • my new Vizio 22" flat screen TV
  • my new Canon Powershot with lots of pixels and at least 15x zoom
  • my Bose sound system
  • my clothes dryer
  • newly painted walls - in lovely colors
  • zero balance on my credit cards
  • my Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes big win
  • Angel and Tara Grace
  • angels
  • reiki
  • resilience
  • generosity
  • the telephone
  • music
  • laughter
  • beauty
  • hope
  • life
  • someone reminded me that I left out my new chair - so I add it here late (Tues at noon)

more very subtle reds in the branches...

Have an Abundant Day!


The Bug said...

I wasn't bored! It's interesting to hear other people's inner dialogues. How about this for a mantra? It's not greed to want the things I need.

Raven said...

Hi Bug... Glad you weren't bored. Like your mantra but it wouldn't work for me because my inner demons have a very strict definition of "need." You gave me a good start, though. I may go with something like "It's not greed to want an abundant and joyful life." I think I like that.