Monday, April 18, 2011

Daily Reminder # 322

Still deep in a funk, so this is late and will be short. I've been in kind of a panic all weekend because of the furnace, but not for the reasons people probably think. Stuff like this falls into my crazy zone. If the furnace had broken at some other point in time (a much worse situation) I'd have been freaked out but I'd have dealt with it. Because Delaware Opportunities just fixed it and thought they were done with me, this pushes me into the "you're a bad person and people will be mad at you zone." Also - this is how crazy my mother made me - the zone of  "what if it's not really broken and you are just imagining that it isn't turning on."  "What if you have done something wrong?" and of course the all time favorite "What if they are mad at you?"  It didn't help that the Del. Opp. people didn't reply to my email and seemed less than warm and fuzzy when I called this morning. Of course that could be in my head (the warm and fuzzy part.)  They are sending someone tomorrow morning.  Meanwhile I will just try to fend off the crazy voices in my head. Good thing today is a Dr. Jim day.  I also reiki-ed a very sick dog on Saturday and still have heard nothing back from his people. This is not a good sign. They are usually very good about communicating with me. 

In the grips of the worst of it this weekend, I plunged into candy world and spent money I don't have ordering  enough Easter candy to make a large family sick. I immediately had buyers remorse and in a week will no doubt have eater's remorse to go with it. I was really doing well up until now pushing the child in me who is trying to recreate some momentary childhood happiness with a chocolate bunny. That childhood happiness was ephemeral at best even in childhood - my father's E. Starr Abbott poems - and the family fun of the egg hunt were moments in time. A chocolate bunny isn't going to fix what was broken in my childhood or what's broken now. It's just going to make me sick.... and wrap me in self-loathing. Ugh. I am whining and I apologize, but I suspect my truth isn't that far from the truth of many of us. We look for magic to fix our hurt places even when we know that it won't work. The only positive here is that I have better self-awareness this year and I held out against the needy little brat inside me for longer than I sometimes do. If it hadn't been for the stupid furnace, I might have made it, but that's probably just a rationalization. My excuse. Sigh. 

Ok. Topping it all off - don't have a clue about the answer to Punny Monday and I still have to rewrite wordzzles and I am posting an "uplifting" reminder that could easily throw people into depression. I apologize.  I will do gratitude today because even though I have just whined and wailed for three paragraphs, I do know that there is much to be grateful for. When I get into this state, everything tends to go to a dark place. Tara Grace didn't come out for breakfast this morning. She often doesn't come out for breakfast, but this morning, I spent a while convincing myself that she was dead. I really hate it when I get like this. It's exhausting. I've brought out my "Thank You for Everything" mantra and am trying to work it 

UPDATE:   Dr. Jim is a wonderful therapist and the Gods smiled on me and sent Delaware Opportunities today. It wasn't my fault. Somehow the other Del Opp guys who were here last week turned the power to the furnace off.  I am innocent. And I have heat. Sanity is creeping back into may weary mind... or at least the craziest part of me is subsiding again in the face of reality.

Some things I'm grateful for today: (items in red are pre gratitude, an effort to help the Universe co-create my dreams and hopes.)

  • Angel and  Tara Grace
  • The Thank You for Everything Mantra
  • Punny Monday
  • my house
  • Dr. Jim
  • trees in blossom
  • no rain
  • green-ing grass
  • my camera
  • my TV
  • the US mail
  • music
  • Pandora radio
  • coffee and International Delight
  • yogurt
  • cat toys
  • insulation
  • Delaware Opportunities
  • zero balance on my credit cards
  • Nintendo
  • a Bose sound system
  • winning lottery numbers
  • a sun room on the back of the house
  • a clothes dryer
  • freshly painted living and bedroom walls
  • $5,000/week for life from PCH
  • paid off mortgage
  • reiki
  • angels
  • matches
  • the smell of white sage
  • computer games
  • my friends
  • the telephone
  • indoor plumbing
  • my fuzzy robe
  • my red chair
  • my cane
  • that my legs still wobble me from room to room
  • sam-e
  • vitamin D-3
  • IP-6
  • water
  • birds in flight
  • beauty
  • the senses
  • laughter (even though I'm not feeling it much today)
  • resilience
  • hope
  • kindness
  • love
  • life


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